KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

OK, I think I have some rational, realistic thoughts to remember during my emotional times:

Yes, I could have done some things differently. Rather than texting pointed questions, I should have waited to talk about them on the phone or in person, so that I could calmly discuss them using "I" statements - "I feel disconnected from you when you don't fill me in on your day or ask my about mine. I feel like a low priority when I don't hear back from you regularly." etc. instead of "You mentioned living together but then said you wanted to move slowly - that's confusing." I did try to communicate my needs but I could have done so in a less threatening way (although to my credit.. this is pretty good for an average person, I would say. I'm talking about using my counseling-level skills on people who don't even know what those are).

That said, I did communicate when I wanted something, but I relied on words instead of actions in believing him when he said things would change. The actions did not back them up. Rather than continuing to push for more, I should have paused, stepped back, waited to see if he stepped up, and then when he didn't, ended it there, rather than holding on to the potential I believed could existed. Unlike in my M I gave this guy lots of space to do his own stuff and I maintained my own friends, hobbies, etc. Even with what little I was asking (it didn't really bother me that we only saw each other twice a week, but I wish both times we'd have some "alone" time instead of meeting up for dinner then going our separate ways) I was still getting crumbs.

When it comes down to it, he reacted very strongly to some very basic texts from me (like me saying "I'm confused - you said you wanted to only hang out once during the week, but then you asked me about additional nights - do you want to hang out more now?") and basically told me his work was important, that's what he wanted to do in his free time (like on nights and weekends), and that I made him feel guilty for how he spent his time. And despite my willingness to talk to him about it he chose to avoid the conflict and leave. It is not my imagination that he frequently gave me mixed messages, and he grew more distant. Probably didn't help that the first two months we were dating he had no job, so he had LOTS of free time. Then he didn't.

Things I value in a relationship: openness, honesty, sharing both the little things and the big things (so whether it's how your day was, or big stuff that's bothering you so that we can talk about it), staying in touch, having our lives become more interdependent without being DEpendent. Willingness to work through problems and use resources when necessary. Feeling like I'm a priority to someone when I am making them a priority. Work-life balance. Balance between partner time and hobby-time (my XH was way more on the hobby end of things than partner time).

All things I wrote with my counselor 2 years ago that I thought I had kept in mind, but I guess it takes some time for the "honeymoon" to wear off and really see what people are about.

Do I still feel crappy for letting him into my life, having him meet my family, exchanging Christmas presents with him, spending my birthday with him? Yeah, I do but I hope time will help resolve that.