Sandi's Reflections

[sandi2]

Oh, thank you......all of you. I wasn't sure how this would be received, but like I said, I want to help someone learn from the mistakes my M has made, and from I have observed in others.

2. You mention a few times that the LBH has to be ready to leave the marriage. But what does that mean exactly? Are you suggesting the LBH should push things along (I don't think you are)? So how does the LBH show that?

OMG, let me answer this one first, b/c I may have totally forgotten to get back to why I said the H needed to be ready to leave the M.

It is the attitude or state of mind he has to have, when dealing with a WW situation. I don't mean he necessarily runs out and files for a D. However, he should not be afraid to do it. I would suggest that before he filed, that he separate from her, to show her he means business. Even if he just left to go somewhere else for a few days, she won't know what he's planning to do........which is good, she needs to worry. Every single WW that I have seen come and go on this board has said that it took her seeing that her H was done with her, before she woke up. She has to believe she could lose him. When he dropped her, instead of clinging to her and pleading that she won't leave. That's when it hits her. As long as he is clinging to her, she knows she has him and isn't losing him.

It is all related to his fear of his M failing, or of his W leaving him. The fear holds him back from being as assertive as he needs to be. He is afraid if he goes too far, then she'll leave or file for divorce. So, he ends up catering to her, mostly. IMO, he has to make up his mind that if it means the M is over in order for her to start acting like a respectful W (notice I did not say loving, but respectful), then so be it. He is not going to live with anyone who does not show him respect, or subject his children to that disrespect of their father, who is suppose to be the head of the home.

This is especially true when it comes to enforcing his boundaries. If he is scared of what she may do, how effectively do you think he'll be in enforcing his boundaries? She smells the fear in him. And b/c she can smell his fear, she will dare him to stick to his word. That is why I have recently started cautioning men about stating how they will not live in an open M........if they are not ready to walk out the door. She is going to dare him. As if to say, "Let's just see how serious you really are".

It's kind of like when kids are pushing us to see if we really mean what we say. As a parent and grandmother, I have never believed in telling my kids to do, or not do, anything but one time (being sure they hear me, of course). I don't believe in this telling a kid they better mind me by the time I count to three. B/c guess what? It becomes a game to them, and they will make the idiot parent count off to three before the kid moves. I have seen parent say, "One, two, .....two and a half, two and three-fourths........". What!? And the kid is standing there with a big grin on his face b/c it's all a game to him. Makes me want to get my hands on the parent!!

A wayward wife is much like that kid. That's why giving her a certain amount of time to decide what she wants, never works. She will wait until the midnight hour of the last day and then call crying and saying she just needs a little more time. So, the H starts saying, "Two, two and a half". He just can't play those kind of games. He lays it out once, and if she doesn't comply, he packs her stuff and leaves outside, or he leaves. Of course, without going into details, he always need to check his legal standing before leaving. I know men have been leaving for many, many years, and they still get to have their kids, but check anyway.

Probably said too much trying to answer your question, but if still not clear, please tell me, b/c I don't mind expounding further. And thanks for bringing it to my attention.

1. You talk about the temp checking and how that is all it is and the LBH cannot fall for it. How do you tell the difference between temp checking and something more than that?

WW's can be very emotional, b/c they are guided by those emotions.......and her emotions are all out of whack. Anyway, it is no problem at all for a WW to turn on the tears, especially when it's about her. Some men think this means something else, and they can be influenced by the WW, due to the man feeling sorry for her. If nobody died, don't feel sorry for her! She has to suffer the consequences of her decision, and usually, she's crying b/c she doesn't like those consequences. I think tears runs close to number one on the list of ways a WW can sucker the LBH.

However, I give the blue ribbon prize of tricks to the category of sex. It takes a wise and strong man to withstand some of the temptations of his naughty WW. I mean, she treats him like a bag of sh't, and the first time she parades around partially dressed, he crumbles? Come on! And I have actually seen men say, "What can I say, I'm a guy.....ha-ha". That's not funny, it's pathetic! Listen, I have read more than one account where a couple were separated b/c she was sleeping with another man and would not end it. Then suddenly, surprise, surprise....she shows up unexpected late one night.....falls into the arms of her LBH crying and blubbering some sob story. Then, surprise, surprise, a little kissing starts.......and you can guess the rest. And each and every story like this has the same thing to happen.......the very next day, when the LBH is thinking there has been a wonderful development......low and behold, the WW is cold as an iceberg. Then she's right back to the OM. Yeah, the H got played. The vets use to warn newcomers over and over, and they would fall for it every time. All the WW wanted (no matter her sob story) was to see if the H was still in the palm of her little hand. The H needs to make her WORK to get him back, and one night of sex isn't work for her. Work for her is getting her heart right, ending her wayward ways, start showing respect and devotion to her H & family, behaving like a decent woman, and apologize with a broken heart for everything she has done to her H and the destruction she's caused. That's the real work. And trust me, it is not sudden. It is not going to be one of these overnight things. Coming out of waywardness is not a quickie for most women. It is painful, and part of her pain should be remorse she feels, not some self-centered pity party she's having.

Let me add one more, that seems to throw men. It is when the WW suddenly starts acting nice. I think if the LBH'S would just be leery of anything she does "suddenly", he would be on safer ground. If she has been horrible to him, and suddenly changes her mood and starts acting as if she's doing something for him.........look out. Everything is selfishly motivated, so she's doing nothing more than setting him up for the kill (whatever the kill might be).

Here's the thing, if the WW is earnest in wanting to make things right with her H, and if her heart is in the right place, her attitude will tell the story. She will be humbled. Her tone of voice will be softer and more tender. She may be broken, and show it, but if she's real......I think her H surely would be able to see it. If she's broken and humble, She won't feel she deserves another chance or that she deserves to have her H. She will be willing to do ANYTHING her H wants, in order to reconcile with him. If he sees anything less, she's just playing. Now understand, she doesn't have to feel the desire or loving feelings for him, to reconcile. However, she doesn't get to Kay down the stipulations. He does. And one of those stipulations is that she will sleep in the same bed with him. He won't have sex with her right away, and he will be be patience to a degree, but there will be no separate bedrooms. This stuff takes time, too. He can't expect her to feel everything for him overnight. I really don't trust a WW who cliams she does. But she has to be respectful, and willing....to be willing to do what is necessary to save the M and heal back the relationship.

Sorry if I use too many words to answer.