Well tonight was eventful. We were discussion renovation plans for the kitchen. The discussion led to financial arrangements and what will happen at the end of the school year. This topic came about through no fault of my own as she opened the door.
I told her that I had no intentions of moving out. Based on her reaction I think she was surprised that I finally showed a backbone. The discussion quickly turned to my stating of boundaries I have set. I mentioned that I will no longer be her doormat. I expected to be treated with respect even if she has no respect for me. My actions were a total 180 based on past discussions. For the first time she was unable to place me on the defensive. I stated that we have much to consider going forward and all decisions have to take the boys well being into consideration.
Not once did I mention of a possible future together. I will live my life my way but will never lose focus on my children and will always do what I can do to make their lives as happy as possible.
I was confident, and secure in my approach. I did not raise my voice. I was cordial and to the point. I am not an expert. I only hope that what was said did not ruin my DBing progress to date.
When I was finished stating my position, I awaited her rebuttal. I think I caught her off guard as she had nothing to say. I could see she was thinking of something to say in response. She was speachless. I will not ask her for her reply. I said what I wanted to say. If she says nothing, I don't care. She now knows I will no longer be a push over and I am living my life.
I do love her and obviously I want to save the marriage. I will not lose focus. I will stick to my mission statement and goals. I have gone one month smoke free. I have dropped 15 pounds and aiming for another 20 by the end of June. With the help of my new personal trainer, I will meet this goal.
The ultimate goal is a saved marriage. If it doesn't happen, I will move on but I will never give up on my wife. She is strong willed. I am determined. I will succeed in being a better me. This realization will prepare me for what ever lies ahead.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
The last day and a half has been ok. My wife still has not said anything about our latest discussion. I should rephrase that as a discussion involves input by more than one person. She has not replied to what I had expressed two nights ago. She is either thinking of the right way to reply, internalizing everything as she has in the past or reflecting on what I had said and realizes that everything I had to say was correct. I know the later is being presumptuous.
I either provided more ammunition and resentment by my words or gave her food for thought. She did tell me that she had not considered what her actions will be at the end of the school year. It is my belief she really hasn't given much thought into what her actions will be. I may be wrong but knowing she has not considered her next step may be a positive. Probably wishful thinking.
Today is sunny and bright. Exactly how I feel.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
I only hope that what was said did not ruin my DBing progress to date.
IMHO, you were DBing, b/c of the way you presented it. From her lack of vocal response, I'd say you did a very well job of it.
Quote:
She is either thinking of the right way to reply, internalizing everything as she has in the past or reflecting on what I had said and realizes that everything I had to say was correct. I know the later is being presumptuous.
She may get around to some type of response, yet. I think you probably shocked her too much to say anything right then. Not that it would stop her, but really, you weren't asking any questions......you were making statements. Quite manly of you, and if I might add.....looks very attractive on you.
As I think I may have already told you, although the WW may not tell you, down deep she respects you for standing up for yourself. When the loving feelings are gone in the WW, about all she will respect is seeing strength in her H. She knows it took courage for you to tell her these things. She may "act" as if she doesn't like it, however, she will respect you for standing up to her.
Quote:
Today is sunny and bright. Exactly how I feel.
Perhaps b/c your confidence is coming back. I read this from a lot of newcomer H's, how after he finally takes a stand....he feels much better about himself. May not be a pleasant task at the moment, but it tends to make you feel more like a man. And, that confidence is what we women love about you guys.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi2. Your words of encouragement have brightened my day even more. Although I am sick at home with pneumonia, I actually feel like your response has added a huge jolt of confidence to my mindset.
I read a response you had to another thread about how in your opinion an in house separation does not work. I totally agree. At first I considered our sitch as an in house separation. In reality we are cohabitating. My focus is on a secure homelife for my boys, my pursuit of happiness in myself, my actions and my decision making.
As long as we share the same roof and bedroom, we can never be separated. If and when she decides to pack up and leave, I will continue to live my life, be the father my boys deserve and better myself both outside and in. I would be such a mess had I not discovered DBing.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
I wanted to chime in on how the in house doesnt work. I agree, but i want ot warn that if the thoughts of ok, we live separately now we can start seeing if things can work out, then hang on.
I felt the same way, I said it has got to get worse before it gets better. I meant to myself we will have to live apart before we can see if we miss each other. The thing I did not realize is that the moving apart wasnt the "worse". In my case it green lighted a lot of things she want able to do while we lived together. I have come to realize she was no where near the edge of her fog. I think it was just the beginning.
please keep these thoughts in mind.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Thank you OTW, I have no preconceived notion that a true separation will trigger feelings of loneliness or that she will miss me and want to come back in short order. I dread the idea of her moving out for the same reasons you stated.
I am giving her space, respecting her privacy and considering any R discussions as taboo unless initiated by her. I enjoy her presence and seeing her first thing in the morning and last thing at night strengthens my resolve and helps keep my DBing plan in focus.
My DBing wil continue as is no matter what road blocks or detours lie ahead. I will continue to post and look for guidance from DB.com
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
It's been almost a week and still no rebuttal from my wife. i don't know if she will ever respond. I wouldn't be surprised if she continues to be quiet until something triggers an R discussion. I will not initiate any such discussion but in the event she does and tries to belittle me again, I am ready to show her that my stance has not altered, I will stick to my guns, be strong, confident and secure.
I am sure what was said was a real eye opener for her. I don't believe she considered all the consequences of separating until I stated my position. Only time will tell what is on her mind.
On another note. I would like some advice regarding my boys and a long over due vacation. It's been too long since I took my boys on a vacation. I would like to take them skiing for a few days in Quebec. I would like my wife to join us but I do not want her to think that this is an attempt to change her mind. This could be the last holiday we spend together as a family.
We haven't been skiing in two years. My boys deserve this getaway and so do I. Do I go ahead and make the reservations and ask if she would like to join us or do I discuss with her first before finalizing any plans?
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
It's February and I can't keep the thought of Valentines Day out of my mind. I know that as a Divorce Buster, it is not acceptable to send or offer any type of Valentine greeting, as it will be persuing. This will be the ultimate 180 for me. I have never refrained from giving some sort of Valentines card, gift or romantic gesture since our dating days.
I do not expect anything from my spouse but she may surprise me. In the event she does get me a card I do not know how I will react. The divorce buster in me may say thanks but no thanks . How can I accept any form of Valentine greeting since the bomb was dropped?
On the other hand I was brought up to be polite and appreciative for such gestures. What if a card is her way of saying, "Let's try to fix this marriage" ?
I do realize I may be wasting my time contemplating what to do, but I need to be prepared.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
I have the same thoughts about V day. I ALWAYS give and receive something. I kbow this year I wont I am thinking the same way. To be prepared if i get something even a card do we accept? I hope someone with better advice can help because I am curious as well.
It's Valentines Day and I followed through without acknowledging it by any means towards the wife. I must say it has been very difficult not to make any reference to this occasion. This day reminds me of what used to be. I want so much to get over the feelings of failure and somehow reconnect with the wife. I have done my best to follow through with the DB guidelines but some days I feel like my efforts have been a total waste of time and effort. I am not expecting overnight success. I do know that it will take time. I have to keep reminding myself to stay the course. I am keeping busy today, deliberately staying away from the house to limit any contact with the spouse just to make sure I don't falter by expressing my thoughts. My feelings of anger over our situation are very prevailant today. I do not know what the rest of the day will bring. I want this day to end now.
Don't count the days, make the days count. Mohammad Ali
