Sandi's Reflections

[sandi2]

How does he get her respect?  Well, it's not by being a softie.  He
has to stop all her open show of disrespect for him, especially in
front of his children.  Sadly, so many men have lived in it so long
that they are conditioned to it.  They don't even realize she is
disrespecting him.  Some signs may be her showing a lack of
impatience.......taking long sighs, tapping her foot and/or putting
her hands on her hips & looking disgusted, rolling her eyes, speaking
with a disgusted or impatient tone of voice, talking to him as if he
was one of the kids, speaking to him indirectly through the kids,
making fun of him in a disrespectful manner, making verbal jabs at him
in front of others, a total lack of consideration, rudeness, saying
rude things to the children about him in his presence....or behind his
back, any kind of slurs, on & on.....the list is almost endless.
These are things he can, and should, call her out.  In other words,
instead of ignoring it, like he has made a habit of doing......he
needs to confront her immediately about her show of disrespect.  He
may not be able to help how she feels about him....but by God's help,
he can do something about her showing disrespect.  And, I
cannot stress enough how important it is to stop her from showing this
behavior in front of his children.  It is teaches them to disrespect
their father, and he loses credibility.

Now, he needs to understand that she has carried his balls around for
a long time.  She is not going to meekly hand them over to him the
first time he calls her out on her disrespectful behavior.  (and, btw,
he needs to take one at a time as it come, instead of trying to cover
everything she has ever done.  She'll get the idea.).  Anyway, back to
getting his balls away from her.  It will take more than one time for
him.  She is going to try him over and over, to see if she can either
out do him or to slide by without him calling her out.  Just like a
kid!  It's rediculous, but it's true.  Even women who aren't
completely wayward will do that much!

It is important that the H understands that he needs to handle these
smaller sized showing of disrespect, before he can expect her to do
much with the larger ones......like having an affair.  I don't recall
reading about that anywhere, so it may be debatable.  I just don't
think he will have much authority over the bigger issues if he has no
authority over the smaller ones.  Therefore, if his WW is in an
affair, I don't believe she's going to end it out of respect for
him.........b/c she has none.  He will have to show her he means
business. And this where he has to do it, even if he is afraid......or
else prepare to have a very miserable life.

I believe every LBH has to be ready to leave the M.  I know, I
know.....I can hear all the protests now.  I said he has to be ready,
b/c otherwise, he is going to wait too long.  He will cling to every
excuse in the book.  Usually, it's what it will do to the kids.  Okay,
at the risk of sounding like the worst human on earth, I'm not buying
it from all these men.  That's not to say they are not good, caring,
loving fathers.  I just think for the most part, it is a good excuse.
It sound justified for a man to sacrifice his entire life for his
children, right? I mean, what Christian minded person would find fault
with his reasoning?  Me.  I would.  When I see all the rest of it, and
he is scared of his own shadow and can't go poop without asking his W
if it's okay.....yeah, I think it is cowardly.  I think he uses his
own kids to cover up the fact he has no balls.  He is too scared to
stand up to his own wife, and that is why she the b'tch from hades.
That is why he is going through this mess is b/c he has not been the
man he should have been.  "Oh, you are blaming her affair on the H".
No, I am blaming him for being a nice-guy who gave his balls to his
wife.  Now he wears the dresses and she wears the pants with his balls
attached.

I won't say every single man that has a wayward wife is cowardly.  I
have met some men on this board throughout the years that I respect
very much, and I never saw them as being like those I described in the
previous paragraph.  I saw some who I liked and wanted to shake them
for giving too many warnings or waiting too long to shift into an
asertive gear, but they still had all their male parts.....from what I
could observe.    :). So, I don't want anyone to think I having a
man-bashing day where I just let them all have a piece of my mind.  I
actually like men a lot, and had rather work with them any day of the
week before dealing a some of female co-workers I had.......but,
that's another story.

Let me close this part by saying that There are some women who leave
the M due to giving up, out of discouragement, loss of connection,
etc.  Perhaps the H neglected her to the point she no longer wants to
stay with him. Perhaps he has nothing at all, but she has other issues.
 And of course, there are WAW's who come from abusive
R's, and other issues I could name, but the point I'm making is that
these woman may not have a wayward heart.  Just b/c they left the MR,
does not mean their heart has gone bad.  That was my point in dividing
the wayward wife from the walk-away wife.

Let me see if I can say something encouraging, after all that other stuff. It is not impossible for the WW to turn back. If you understand repentance, you can understand there is hope for a WW. People thought I was a good woman. My H thought I was, too. I would like to think my heart was not that of a bad person, however, little by little I succumbed to things I should not have done. I hurt those I loved the most, and it will always be something I cannot go back and undo. I know I have been forgiven, but I still struggle at times, knowing I let my family down. I am hoping that I can say something to help one of you realize a little more about the mindset of a WW. It may be dark, cruel, and selfish......but it can be changed under the right conditions. You men have to be use tough love if you want to save her and save your family. Even if she returns home, she won't truly love you if she doesn't respect you as a man.