Sandi's Reflections

[sandi2]

So, the nice-guy LBH can forget about showing more love to his WW.
Until he has her respect, he will never have her love.  At least, not
the kind of love a woman has for the man she adores and wants his body
and heart.  I think that's what most red-blooded men really want in a
woman, isn't it?  Does he really want to settle for just a friendship
for the rest of his life?  These guys buy into some kind of fantasy
that if they become her BFF, she'll eventually fall back in love with
him.  I know that is what the DB coaches recommend, and I try to be
respectful to them.  I just respectfully disagree when it is dealing
with a wayward.  I can agree, in most cases,  if the
woman is not wayward, let me make that clear.  B/c when the
woman is wayward, you have a different creature from any other, and
are dealing with .......well, to put it bluntly.......sin.  Therefore,
he needs to stop being this soft, passive, nice guy.  He needs to
start showing strength, tough love, decisiveness, assertiveness, and
firmness.  He has to deal with the WW, much like he would a defiant
teenager, only it's more difficult b/c he can't punish his WW.
However, there are other things he can do.

The LBH of a WW must, MUST, let go of the fear of a separation or
divorce.  I know all the arguments.  I don't disagree.  I am just
telling you that I have read countless threads since 2007 of men who
are scared sh'tless that their WW may leave the M.  It paralyzes him
from taking the assertive action required, and in most cases, he's
already a nice-guy type....so to think he is going to start applying
tough love may be stretching the imagination.  I will say this much
about the fear, and I have have not been in the shoes of the LBS.  I
have had to face things in my life, afraid.  Some things, the fear is
not going to subside.  As one evangelist says, "Do it afraid".  But do
it!  Listen, the WW has a keener sense of smell than a hound dog.  She
can smell fear in her LBH.  Do you want to know how it affects her?
It disgusts her.  I could get more graphic, but I won't.

The LBH of a WW needs to be as solid as he can be, so he needs support
from reliable sources.  He can see his spiritual leader, a counselor,
get meds for sleep and/or depression, etc.  He has to be centered on
taking care of himself, or he can't hold up physically or emotionally.
This will be the toughest ordeal he has had to face, and just like in
the military, he has to be in shape and ready to face the enemy.

He will experience different levels of emotions.  He will have bad
days, and then out of the blue have a good day, for no apparent
reason.  He doesn't need to try and analyze everything.  It's going to
happen, so expect it.

He needs to decide his boundaries.  A lot of people have no idea what
their boundaries are, or even what it means to enforce boundaries.  It
is one of the links in the post Cadet gives newcomers.  He needs to
study it.  Decide what principles he can not live without having these
honored in his life.  Decide what he will not tolerate in his life.
Boundaries are not to be used to police the other person's life.  It
is to protect him.  If the other person crosses that line he has
around him for protection, then it is a direct attack on him.  It may
be rather subtle, or it may be daring.....but they have crossed the
line.  Now, what will he do about it?  Slug it out?  No, I don't mean
anything physical.  What else can he do?  If he cannot control the
actions of the other person, then that just leaves him doing the
action.  Here's the catch......if his action does not cause some type
of consequence for the other person, then it is not an effective
boundary.  And an ineffective boundary is no boundary at all.  He
needs to know, in advance, what his actions will be, if his boundary
is dishonored........then by all means, know he can carry it through.
He should never make some brave statement and then back away when
tested.  B/c believe me, the WW is going to test those boundaries, so
he needs to suit up his armor every single day.

He should read anything he can find about WW's, b/c he cannot afford
to be caught unguarded.  I have read more posts from LBH'S who say
they were caught with their guard down.  Know this now, she is going
to use her feminine wiles to manipulate the LBH.   Most guys melt the
first time the WW just smiles or acts a little nice to him.  Come on!
Really?  He thinks she's having second thoughts?  No way!  She is
manipulating him, and she knows just what to do to get him around her
little finger.  He may not see what she's up to right that minute, but
usually within a day or so, she'll hit him up for something.  He needs
never to forget that selfishness motivates the WW.  It is all about
her, period.  If he will look closely in everything she does, he can
probably see how she benefited in some way.....or at least tried.

He needs to be prepared at all times for her to test him.  When he
least expects it, she will do something that messes with his head.  He
immediately wants to believe she's reaching out to him and that he
needs to do "the right thing" and respond to her.  Nope!  It's a test.
One thing to look for is her emotions.  Is she crying?  Is she feeling
down on herself and he feels he needs to encourage her?  Is she having
a pity a party and wants him to comfort her?  Is she lonesome and
needs someone to listen to her long one-sided conversation?  Is she
suddenly acting playful, flirty, or even trying to seduce him?  For
gosh sakes he better not fall for any of that stuff.  This is not a WW
reaching out, having a change of heart, or any of the things he wants
to read into it.  Two things, she is either giving him an emotional
temperature check to see if she's still in charge of the relationship,
or she is just getting her kicks cause she knows she can.  Yes, well I
told you her heart was dark.

Continued on next post.