I've got to break this down into several posts, so if someone responds before I get it all copied and pasted, please don't think I am ignoring you. It's a quite day around my place and I've been mostly reading posts from husbands who have a wayward wife, I am not going as far to say that every LBH who has a WW is the nice-guy type of man. I do get amazed in how many I see on the board that usually have those nice-guy traits. In all fairness to men across the board and over the years, i have definitely seen a few who were not considered the nice-guy type........they just had a WW.
Anyway, I am going to just talk about it, for anyone newcomer who may might stumble across this thread. I want to tell the readers that I am not down on anyone, and I am not trying to make enemies in saying what I do. I am not truing to be offensive, even if it is taken as so. I am expressing what I have been observing for quite some time, and I hope it won't run anyone away from the board, but I do feel strongly that it needs to be addressed.
I see many husbands as being the nice-guy type of man. The kind of man women love to have for a friend. Kind of like having a big brother to protect her and listen to her problems. Someone to hang out with, when there's nothing better to do. However, at some point in the R, she begins to lose respect for him b/c he lets her get away with bad behavior and mistreating him. I am sorry to say, gentlemen, all women will try it, and if they say they don't......she's fibbing.
The nice-guy tells himself he's "taking the high road", but really, he is being passive and avoiding confrontation, or the issues. He won't call his W out, stand up to her, hold her accountable, or let her deal with the consequences of her behavior. He tells himself it is easier to just leave it alone......keep his mouth shut and keep the peace. Only problem is......it doesn't work. All the time he thinks he is keeping the peace through avoidance, the resentment and disrespect is brewing in the wife. She becomes more and more wayward in her heart. She begins to harbor a lot of bad feelings in her heart. It shows through her attitude, the way she talks to him and her unique style of disrespecting him. Eventually, she finds something, or someone else, to give her the thrill that was lacking in her R with her H. He wants what she thinks is a "real man". What she chooses is usually a loser and fits the term of "affairing down", b/c he is not the man her H is, much less a better man. However, he fills her head with fantasy nonsense and makes her feel sexy, young, beautiful, smart, valuable..........whatever she seems to need to hear, he's there to give her all the b.s. And if for some reason that man doesn't work out so well, she moves on to the next guy, b/c she gets that excitement and thrill of a possible new love.
The big question looming here is......what is this wayward woman's husband doing all the time she's engaging in this behavior? Personally, I am saddened at how many men continue to think everything will be okay if only he can persuade her to change her mind. Some men have their wakup call when they discover an affair, and oh boy.....they are ready to do everything they should have been doing for years! He just can't understand why his WW doesn't feel the same way. He is awake now, so what's her problem? Why can't she just give the M a chance? In his attempt to show her he's working at making the changes that she always wanted, he puts on his cape and tights and writes across his chest, "SUPER HUSBAND". SH goes into action doing everything! He works all day, comes home and does all the housework, cooks for the family, plays with the kids, gives them their baths and tucks them into bed......all the while the Princess is communicating with her latest OM. Super Husband is stirring around like a busy little bee and smiling.........watching her to see if she is noticing all that he's doing for her and how happy he is to get to do it. What he doesn't know is if she gives him a thought at all, it will be along the lines of, "If he's crazy enough to do it all, then I'm sure not going to stop him". The really ugly WW will think, "What a fool. He thinks he is impressing me, but it's too little and way too late, now. I could care less how he works his tail off, b/c it has no affect on my feelings".
This woman's heart is closed to her H. He could work himself down into the ground and it would have no affect on her feelings. Some nicer WW's might say, "Thanks", once in a while, but soon she takes it for granted and expects him to do everything. After all, she's entitled! When he serves her coffee in bed, she's entitled to it. When he compliments how great she looks, she's entitled to compliments. And when a person feels entitled, they don't really appreciate the one giving, b/c they are arrogant. And you know what really gets me? The nice-guy H who says he doesn't matter if she appreciates it or not, that he's doing it b/c he wants to do it. Of course, b/c he has the nice-guy mindset and believes eventually it will pay off.
The wayward wife is the epitome of arrogance. Everything is about her. She will step on whoever gets in her way of whatever she wants at the moment. She is a master of manipulation and will use every trick in the book to accomplish what she wants. Her desires are at the top of her priority list, and she believes it should be on everyone else's, too.
So what does a man do when his wife's heart is hardened and closed off to him? When all his nice-guy ways fail miserably, what is the next step? Well, from what I have seen in the majority of the nice-guys, their nature is to want to wait it out. WAIT IT OUT?? What exactly do they thinnewk will happen? Let me say this to all the nice-guys out there.......this is part of your problem in the MR. You are passive and you want to just wait it out about everything! You think things will eventually work itself out. If most WW's are turned anything like me, then that type of attitude of the nice-guy drives her crazy!! A nice-guy will sit on his butt and watch his WW have an A and think if he just sits around and waits it out, then everything will eventually be okay. That is the laziest approach.......it's not even an approach. It's nothing! Oh, and I have seen, and maybe at some point over the last nine years I have been guilty of saying something similar..........that there is nothing he can do to control her, so............. It leaves the impression of giving him the excuse of remaining passive. No, there is plenty he can do, but does he really want to do it?
