asambandha

[annab74]

Mu...you have such a sweet, kind heart. I truly hope you find peace and happiness again soon. With your W, or otherwise.

SciDad...my H also went through a period when he was angered by loving words. He told me they were a slap in his face and he felt manipulated by them. It was the strangest thing to me because they were always deeply sincere and heartfelt from my end. Oddly, in recent months he has actually asked me to write him some of those letters. He also showed me a stack of letters he found that I had written and discarded in the trash without giving them to him. He insisted on keeping them. This is such a crazy journey...

[roist]

The note and the frame reflect her thinking/feeling now. The two important words there are HER and NOW.

Mutatia, I have let my W's behavior affect my own . It took at times enormous strength just to not be negative. Whereas that was still an achievement I was not being my best possible me because of the situation.You even wrote something to that effect for me.

So try to forget her silliness now. Are you being the best you you can be. If not focus on that. She will notice but it may not change anything.But this is for YOU. I fear that the despair and lack of hope are shining through. Don't let that be the case.

Best wishes and have a good weekend

[ARose]

My H ripped up pictures of me and of us together, and then he pulled out his parents/grandparents old pictures and spent months organizing them, scanning them, also old "family" letters. He is on a journey apparently. He also scrubbed my presence from his FB page. I think I will know he is back on the path towards me when he includes me in some way on his FB. His parents, brother, extended family and even the woman he accused me of being insanely jealous of are all over his FB wall.

[mutatio]

It's one thing to take the photo's down and another to destroy them. That is harsh. I am so sorry you had to experience that Fo. My wife is scrubbing me out of her life. Each time it hurts but I shake it off quicker. I wish she would not be putting up this wall between us.

She just came upstairs. The upshot of her comments was that she does not want to do anything with me. I am annoyed with her, frustrated by her. The emotion I feel indicates that I am still attached to her. Trying to have her in my life. She on the other hand is trying to erase me from her existence. It really hurts to have become persona non grata.

If I remove all attachment to her it should be less painful to live with her. What will that do to our relationship? Isn't that giving her exactly what she wants? How does this save the marriage?

[Cadet]

If I remove all attachment to her it should be less painful to live with her.

That is why it is called DE-tachment

What will that do to our relationship? Isn't that giving her exactly what she wants?
How does this save the marriage?

You have NO relationship right now - Right?

It saves YOU.
YOU are 50% of the marriage.

[mutatio]

I never thought I had to detach from her completely, I only thought I had to behave that way. How does love survive completely and truly detached? I only have the legality of marriage and 3 children with my wife, nothing else.

Today she went to work for the whole day. I had to run an errand right by her office. It took a lot of effort to not drive through the parking lot and see if her car was there. I did not do it because it does not matter, she feels the way she feels regardless of where she is.

I cried during my errand in the car. Because of my bad behavior I am very hard on myself. My welding teacher even commented along those lines when my weld needed improvement. When he complements my work I disagree with him. I do not take a sincere complement well, if at all.

Time to put on the happy face and eat with the kids, ttyl

[Vanilla]

Mu

Detachment sweetheart!

It isn't letting go, it isn't not standing and it's not being unattached.

I think as Cadet indicates de tachng is not un attaching.

Detachment is actually about attaching to Mu.

Think of it this way, you are attached to a speedboat which is dashing about, you are on a water ski. Instead you go surfing on your own broad.

You detach from the outcome and do that which is best for Mu, irrespective of the outcome.

Fine if WW car is there, fine if it's not. It doesn't bother you.

---------------------------------

Compliments that's interesting, might be time to get fooled again over this.

A compliment is a gift, a wonderful gift by the giver. By rejecting the compliment you reject the giver, you put them down, you say their gift is worthless.

All you have to say is two little words

Thank you.

You don't have to agree or disagree, accept or reject, you just have to thank he giver of the precious gift. So next time your welding teacher gives you a compliment, say thank you.

V

[Cadet]

Think of it this way

Take your love and put it in a strong box, put the box on a high shelf in the closet.
Then get on living your life without constantly looking in the closet.

Hopefully some time in the future you can look in the box.

[mutatio]

Thank you V, thank you Cadet. I'm hurting for me but also for the kids. She is still not home. My kids miss their mother. She was always here for them. Now my wife's never here or working in her room. I hang out with my son a lot and with my daughter when she feels like it. She's put us all behind work. It seems she has thrown herself into work to avoid personal problems.

Is the fact that she is throwing herself completely into work and not spending time with her kids indicate something different than done with me? If it was only me she was avoiding, would she drop the kids also?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Fogg]

I can feel where your going with that thought mu and you might not like what I have to say. I understand it because I've done it many times the last year, looking for comforts and reassurances things can work out. Yes, this is about her problems and not just about being done with you, you know that already. I always looked at my W's self-medicating behaviors as something that might give me hope in a twisted way. My W also threw herself into work so she didn't have to face things. That and it provider her some validation in various ways.

I looked at her unhealthy, self-medicating behavior and thought to myself "this isn't about me, it's about her. Since this is a problem with her she might still love me and there's a chance we can work out". It just gave me a temporary comfort that doesn't mean much. If she's totally done, if she's only semi done, if she still loves me, if she loves another man, if she has had second thoughts about me; none of these things guarantee any outcome one way or abother. She could be in love with another man and we end up together or she could still love me and we divorce forever. The same is true for your W, which is why we constantly hear about detaching. There is always a posibility it can work out but never a guarantee.

Sorry mu, you don't have to give up hope she can come around but it might be best if you stop thinking about it to preserve your mentality. You have life to live and she has things to work out, leave her to it.