Stepping in a Different Direction

[Pax_luv]

Hello there,
Haven't updated in a while. Truth be told, I was off the grid for a few days to attend the most incredible transformative seminar. The best way to describe it is an intense self help seminar, but it was very broad and applicable to all aspects of life/ spirit/ conscience... It was incredible and oh so healing. Just landed in my hometown after completing the 50+ hour program (which was held in another state) and I went into my apartment, threw in a load of laundry, sat on the couch and just started bawling after reflecting on all the work- tough emotional work- that I put in the last few days. It's very liberating to come back and not be the same person. I will work incredibly hard to not have any backslides from all this learning I have done.
Meh.... I don't give a sh*t about the divorce/ MSA... I'll deal with it when I'm ready. At this moment in time, that is sooooooo not important to me.

Hope everyone has a great week!

[Vanilla]

Your course sounds excellent.

I believe in tears, they are so cleansing like a release valve.

Tears are good, let them flow.

V

[- MB -]

Meh.... I don't give a sh*t about the divorce/ MSA... I'll deal with it when I'm ready. At this moment in time, that is sooooooo not important to me.

Feyth, so glad to hear from you again. Sounds like that course was exactly what you needed! I love your PMA. I also love the sentence that you wrote above. I really wish I could feel this way. Keep up the great work!!!! Someday your H will realize what a complete idiot he is for having ever let you get away from him. You deserve happiness and I hope this is the first step of your journey to find it. Keep us posted on your progress!

[Pax_luv]

Hello!

I've had some things on my mind, so I thought I would journal a bit (since I'm just laying around watching the super bowl). My seminar that I mentioned above really did help me with my overall wellbeing... But it also reminded me how painful divorce is. In an effort to keep the confidences of the new friends that I made during my conference..... I won't share much, but I will say this... It appears that EVERY marriage is plagued with issues and divorce is painful for everyone touched by it..... And some people are left with guilt years and years and years (even decades) after the divorce is final. During the seminar, we had to get in touch with painful events in our lives and I was blown away by how many people are negatively affected by the decision to d. It was just surreal.

With that said, I really have learned to stand on my own two feet through all of this. Ive been solidly detached for a good month now... But part of me feels like I gave up. That feeling is so disheartening to me. I'm disappointed in myself for not feeling like I am fighting for this anymore. I'm feeling very emotional over it. Can I honestly say that I did everything I could? Maybe on paper, I could say yes. I did the work on myself, wasn't spiteful to h, read all I could on the subjects of relationships, intimacy, codependency, communication (over 40 books total), went to IC, had a DB coach, enrolled in webinars, got in touch with my spiritual side, meditated every day, I made friends, family, and new experiences a priority. I decluttered my life. I became more present in an effort to practice mindfulness and gratitude. Through my efforts, i did save myself. I am OK and have everything I could possibly want/ need in life except for h and my m. That makes me so sad. And no, I don't want to go back to the old m, it had a lot of issues and we didn't have the skills to bring out the best in eachother. But does that mean it's ok for me to move on/ give up? Part of me wants to say, he!I yes it's ok! H doesn't want me! He has shown no remorse or hesitation over this at all. I don't exist to him.... Im not even a factor in his life and haven't been in 8 months- longer even.

I am officially moving all my stuff out of the house next weekend, and that is just another nail in the coffin (for me). It's just another harsh reality to face.

Anyway, this has been on my mind all weekend.... Last night I had a dream about H. We were in my MILs house and he was there with his new girlfriend being all affectionate and flirty with her in front of me. They even took a shower together and I got all needy asking him how he could do this? Trying to beg him to come back. Blech- it was more of a nightmare. I haven't really had a dream like that this whole time.

Just my thoughts. Wishing everyone a great week ahead!

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, it sounds like you are doing well my friend. WRT feeling like you have given up - I think it is possible to move solidly forward with your own life (as you are doing) but still leave the door open a tiny chink.

The thing that closes the door I think is dating or looking for a new partner. Common wisdom is it's not a great idea to do that anyway until at least a year after D. So, you could decide not to date for a good while, move solidly forward yourself, accept the M is over, but also leave the door open a tiny crack.

To me, it's a win-win situation - you give yourself a good while to heal and be in a healthy place to start dating, and the door to back to a 'new' M remains open a tiny chink if your H chooses to peek through.

JMHO of course & I'm glad to read of the progress you're making xx

[Pax_luv]

Hi Sotto! Thank you for taking the time to reach out. I appreciate your words and perspective.

Tomorrow, I officially move the rest of my stuff out of the house. I've been pretty stable about it- emotionally. However, there is part of me that wants to be a snarky as$ and leave a note or something saying, "congratulations, you've succeeded at getting rid of me for good." Or something more dramatic like leaving our wedding scrapbook on the bed... Or... Just something!

A few weeks ago when we spoke, he was playing this "poor me" card where he was saying splitting up was something he never wanted..... And yet..... He refused (flat out refused) to work on it/us. It's kind of like- oh I have a flat tire. My only option is to buy a new car. I'm so upset to lose this car.

Kind of disgusting to me. It makes me go back to those damn vows... A promise made to me in front of family, friends, and God. How do you just give up?

[ARose]

Feyth, just wanted to let you know I am reading. I like your analogy of replacing a car because of a flat tire. Good luck with moving your stuff out. Don't leave a note!

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Fo! I won't leave a note.... But part of me wants to throw my grace out the window! Every time I've been in his presence over the last 8 months, I have been calm, poised, polished, well-put together, and even a lil sexy.... I don't want to throw it out the window, but I want to make a statement.... And yes, departing the house while cool and calm does make a statement in itself, but I'm feeling ornery!

[Sotto]

I agree with Fo that the best 'statement' you can make is to go in and clear out the rest of your stuff in calm way with no 'reaction' to the circumstances such as a note or your wedding album. For things like that, I would say take it and store it away as you can decide what you want to do with it at some later date.

If you leave anything, make it a small and kind thing...

Hope the clearing out goes well, it isn't easy and I still have that to do myself when our house sells.

Take care xx

[Pax_luv]

I did pretty well with the move. H texted me asking when I would be done since he didn't want to be around. I texted him right when we finished... And I was a bit snarky then. I said "we literally just finished. I'm out. You can do your happy dance now." He replied back saying "no happy dance. I find the whole thing rather difficult." Uch.... Whatever... Mr. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.

I don't feel like replying... Not even sure how I could validate that statement.

So I guess that's that. It's just another stop on the train to divorce, right?