B's Bootcamp v3

[Bfice3]

Vanilla and Rosa, unfortunately I still don't have a lot of time to sit down and read and think and make a good response. But I do want to take a few seconds to let you know I see the discussion and I appreciate both of your viewpoints. I do think that my WW may be in the throws of MLC, however I don't know enough to be able to say. I also don't know if the new evidence I found is really proof of a sexual affair, but its definitely proof of a good solid EA. Whatever, its immaterial. I agree about the affair being a symptom...I understand it and ultimately I need to be focused on myself and not her.

That leads me to the message I came here to right. What I got when I read Vanilla's message yesterday was simply that I was regressing...I have been trying to control things...I have still not accepted my powerlessness...I have not truly embraced or learned humility...

I have been full of shame...and full of self-doubt...and self-loathing...woe is me...poor pitiful me. And though, I have remained sober for the past 4 months, my inability to progress into the acceptance of my situation has stalled me quite a bit.

It's so weird writing this all out...because logically when I sit down and quickly type like this I am able to see or dictate my issues...yet somehow there is this divide that occurs when I start to act, when I move into being...I don't have the words to accurately describe...but its like I will stand up from this laptop and become blind immediately.

Vanilla, yes please, I would love to have an online contact to discuss these issues. I need to come back and have a serious discussion about addiction, because, I think alcohol is only one of a series of destructive habits I have that I have apparently been doing to myself since before I was a teenager. In other words...I recognize alcohol has been a problem for me...and I don't want to minimize the way I let it control so many of my actions...however, even sober I still find ways to self-medicate...or avoid reality.

Lastly...I want to say, the big thing. The things that made me break down from Vanilla's post is the fact that I think I may have realized for the first time...truly...that the faults in my marriage really do stem from me in many ways. Yes, my WW has many faults that I and my children can see. But...so do I. And, I need to worry less about her faults. Worry less about who's to blame. Worry less about why she is doing this...and I need to simply focus on me. I know it keeps getting said here over and over...and I will probably forget it over and over...but I need to accept my faults...and openly admit and address them...or else I will never be able to heal and will be doomed to repeat this scenario.

So, thank you both. And I will find time tomorrow to re-read a lot of this and make quotes and share more. But I just wanted to take a quick few minutes to respond. I hope you both have a great weekend for what's left of it, and thank you again for the honest words and thoughtful responses!

B-