KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

Hi Sotto! Interesting question. I have the book from the people who created the divorce recovery/rebuilding seminars ("Rebuilding After Your Relationship Ends" - by Fischer, I think) but perhaps time to visit that as well. I looked up the seminars and there are some in my area. TBH though reading through the descriptions and whatnot my first reaction was "I'm so done with that time of my life, I have no desire to revisit it." I'm not sure if that means I've done what I need to do from the D itself (and right now it's this most recent relationship that's the focus of my anguish) or if I'm kidding myself.

Still have therapy starting in March so perhaps that will help shed some insight. It will be good to have a third party to hash through this. Even today on the drive home I found myself starting to cry when I realized that only two weeks before he dumped he, he told me he was really happy being with me and that while my needs might be different than his, that didn't mean they weren't important, and that he would listen to me and do his best to understand me. So how does one get from that to two weeks later saying "I don't like when you pry for information, it makes me feel guilty about how I spend my time, and this was a red flag - I don't see this working long term." WTF? It's hard to accept that I will likely never understand.

Been reading some articles on a different site about being a blame absorber. I can definitely recognize this in myself, in a lot of places and situations:

"If you spend your life being a blame absorber, feeling ashamed over crappy things that other people have done, wondering “Why me? Why wasn’t I good enough for a jackass or even an abuser? What was wrong with me that I was turned down in 1983?” and other such things that basically say “I know there is something wrong with me why all of this stuff is happening”, you’re on the flipside of the ego issue – you make everything about you to persist in an identity that says “I’m not good enough.”...

You take full responsibility for the failure of the relationship while also taking full responsibility for trying to make the relationship a success...

You can go up, down, and round about it but their actions have never been about you. Their actions are about them. You can only enable existing behaviour and character by offering yourself up as a doormat and staying instead of walking....

It doesn’t matter what you say or do, if someone is unavailable, they and only they can change it. If they hang around dipping in and out of your life, getting an ego stroke, shag etc, after they’ve said that they couldn’t give you what you want, their lack of commitment isn’t down to you."