That is not my argument. W A is her choice of course.
When spouses live with compulsives and addicts they often decide enough, they walk mentally long before they have an A. Moving on from an addict isn't an easy thing.
I don't know enough about MLC to say, however often spouses of addicts pick transitional partners to give them strength. I have seen it often, sometimes it is friends or family that give the intervention. Sometimes the exposure of their children to addiction is enough. They choose to move on and need the support. They need out from their R. The reason is the addiction, that is the root of it.
Sometimes the addict picks up on that with a jolt, and knows the spouse has moved on. At that point they give up their addiction.
The addictive substance or the behaviour is as damaging as an A. Often the behaviour is MLC in the addict.
So after having lived with an addict in free fall, an S decided enough move on they say My partners A and EA was alcohol, that was his OW. There has been an A with an OW called addiction. It's over enough and LRT. The money you spend on this OW alcohol is depriving the family, the time you spend, the involvement with it. The lies, manipulation and lack of R, poor sex life, anger, putting you to bed drunk, clearing up your mess in the kitchen and bathroom. Your poor performance at work, and lack of memory for things. The inability to discuss anything to do with your OW and I know her name its addiction.
The addict gives up his OW called alcohol, gambling, porn, or drugs etc. Immediately his W is in MLC or wayward.
Because they decided to move on from an addict?
This W evaluated an A partner to transition. Her choice of course.
I sit in 12 step meetings I hear week after week of struggles and standing of those with partners who cheat with their addiction with money, resources, time, themselves, eventually spouses go enough, they mentally go no more.
Their addicts say no please don't cease to stand. I will change, I will give up my OP, my gambling, my drugs, my alcohol etc.
On other occasions loved ones walk in at crisis and say I can no longer cope alone, the damage is too much, the cash is going to the OP, the time and the attention is going to your addiction which is your OP.
So yes, the A or the EA is the spouses responsibility for them. The environment created is heavily influenced by the addict, if they remember what they do during their addictive phase.
An addict can't just say I gave up my addiction and the fact you my S moved on is being MLC or being wayward because the decision I made was to change. We spouses and loved ones of addicts are human after all, the addicts choice was their addiction. That was their OP of choice, their EA or their A.
If the recovering addict or compulsive treats their spouse as wayward, goes dark, blames and points to the spouse as wayward then it is my experience that the spouse will not only walk but run. I have seen posts here where the LBS has had an A, given up the A, their spouse moved on and then the LBS says wayward! Pot kettle black.
The recovering addict (who has my full support by the way, absolutely, it is one of the toughest roads) can work the steps, including atone, just as if the addiction is an A. And stop the blame. And in 12 step open meetings several addicts have chosen V as their sponsor, so yes I mentor addicts as well as their loved ones. You don't chose V as your sponsor unless you really want to give up your addiction! I work the steps. (This is called a sober sponsor).
Tough talk of the hurting spouse of the addict is likely to drive them away if they lived with addiction for a long time and they stood for a long time during the addiction.
This is my experience of it. Spouses who are not 12 stepping can really struggle, they really want out of living with an alcoholic or gambler or ........
I lived with a gambler for 4 years (also an alcoholic at the end) just suppose he decided to give up gambling and alcohol just as I had LRT and had a boyfriend. Then started telling me I am wayward or MLC.
Remember this W asked him to move out, asking an addict in full mode to move out creates guilt. I recollect telling my WH to move on in March 2014, when he sobered up he didn't remember any of it. I DB and his drinking got worse, his cash went to his addictions, it was only when I said no more cash WH left in a tirade of abuse, that was May 2015. I stand for M so am not wayward. However younger spouses feel able to LRT, they are not in my book wayward. They are just done.
So this behaviour is Ws, I do not condone it, I understand her position. She is the LBS with a WH whose OP is called addiction and she called time. The WH gave up his OP and wants his W back, because his W is LRT then she is MLC or Wayward?
I think it likely she moved on and was LRT, with the wrong A partner. Such spouses are vulnerable.
From my understanding this M has an excellent chance of R.
why?
Spouses of addicts don't hang on this long unless there is real love involved.
Linda
both need repair and to DB. At present there is great sobriety and I offer my full support on this. I really believe this M can repair if there is true compassion by both. There is true love in this.
I am a romantic, and have seen this too.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
