B's Bootcamp v3

[RosaLinda]

Vanilla are you saying that B's wife cheating on him is all his fault? I'm feeling sort of protective here, and certainly do not know as much about addictions as you do from living with your gambling and abusive husband (see, I have read your threads a lot, and FOO Led too )....but this seems a little harsh to me.

The day the alcoholic decides to remove their sting seems like to them their addiction is over. I do not think compulsives and addicts understand that is the day their loved ones usually fall into disruption and disrepair. It is the day that most spouses start with their anger.

I'm sure B does NOT think his alcoholism is over. And his wife's anger and cheating started well before B started going to AA. She also kicked him out of the house. The day he admitted his addiction was not the day she "started with her anger;" it was her anger that forced him to face his addiction.

You can expect that your W may take up to 2 years to get to step 4. That is usual and she may not yet even see codependency or her need for boundaries. She will protect herself. Know this that is a consequence of your addictive behaviour. Your responsibility.

So stop, give W space. Stop the blame game, it isn't helping either you or W. Too much focus on whether there is an OM whether W is wayward. I personally don't read wayward as primary, I read anger and a desire to push forward with her independence. I understand it, I really do, if a spouse lives with an addict in full mode then that's where it comes from.

I am looking at the 12 Steps online while reading this. They are great, and as a Christian, I have had to do 2 through 11 many times. A lot of people on this forum, especially Mach and URWorthy, helped me with #4 (the searching and fearless moral self-inventory) -- it's a much needed step in the DBing process. And Cadet helped me to understand my own codependency and enabling. B is new to this process and AA, and is doing the best he can right now to move thru these steps, accept his faults.

But I don't think it is 100% B's fault or responsibility. B needs to take responsibility for only his 50% of the problems in his marriage. Living with an alcoholic, or a gambler, or an abuser, does NOT give one license to cheat and lie. It's just not right, Vanilla.

I believe that B's wife is having a mid life crisis -- maybe due to his alcoholism, that could be possible, right? Will this make a difference? A MLC is due to depression mainly, and she has a lot of the symptoms - your quote "anger and a desire to push forward with independence" are signs, as well as unhappiness with life, feeling a need for change, doubt about ever loving B, desire for a new intimate relationship, confusion. Lashing out at B and the kids. Lying constantly. She is not now ready to go thru these al-anon steps, but I believe the reason is that she is mired in the stew of MLC confusion and self absorption. It seems to me that an al-anon wife would need a mind-set that is equally humble and open as that of her AA husband, and throwing in a MLC might make that unobtainable.

Here's the thing. I'm calm right now, but I'm sitting on a thunder keg. I need someone to explain to me in simple terms why it is best to not let her know that I know about this. And, I guess...if anyone can offer a valid reason on how and when a marriage rebuilt after infidelity could possibly ever have trust and love again?

Yes, of course a marriage can be rebuilt after infidelity. But it would take a lot of AA Step # 4 on both sides, as well as humbly and honestly asking and giving forgiveness. A true change of heart on both sides.

Why shouldn't you tell her you know? Mainly because it won't make a difference. She will continue to lie, and to rationalize and justify her actions to herself. She is not ready to face the truth B. And Thornton is right, "An affair is just a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself."

God...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen!