From my observations of other cases, the WW does not want her H getting cozy with her family. Even if her mother is giving her a hard time or not showing partiality, it is still her family.
Not sure what part you were referring about causing you confusion, but I will assume it is her unpredictable behavior. One hour she's mad and the next hour she's friendly. If a woman has another man, even a man that lives on the other side of the world, her EA often dictates her emotions. When she's angry, then leaves and comes back in a good mood, it could have something to do with her contacting the OM.
At any rate, it is best for you not to measure your MR or anything else upon her very flexible mood swings. Her thought process would probably blow you away.
An EA for a woman is very serious, and her H should not take it lightly, nor believe it is less a threat just b/c the OM does not live close by. An EA feeds her fantasy, and her fantasy feeds the EA.
It will be extremely difficult to live under the same roof with her, while she is active in an EA. in spite of her saying you can be friends, she will have no respect for you as a man or as her H. That lack of respect will continue to grow until it consumes everything in the house.
If you decide to stay together in the same house, I think you will need to lay down boundaries to protect yourself from her disrespectful behavior. And btw, attending MC at this time is not beneficial b/c she doesn't want to work on the M. All she wants is for you to continue to support her while she is free to do whatever she wants. I would put the MC on hold until your W is ready to do the necessary work to save it.
You have talked about how difficult it will be for you taking care of the kids and scheduling around your job. Have the two of you discussed how the time with the children would be divided between you? Have you discussed finances or anything besides where you would live?
I think you would be wise to immediately take action in protecting your finances. I think you need to have a legal consultation to see where you stand, your rights as a father, and if you would have to pay her anything, etc. knowledge is power, so find out all that you can.
In doing these things, it doesn't mean you have given up wanting to save the marriage. It just means you are being smart by being prepared. You cannot trust your W while she is wayward. You cannot interact with her as though she was still the same person that you M. Until she ends her EA and gets out of this fantasy fog, and starts showing respect for you, there is a limitation on what you can do for the MR. However, in time and with her having to face the reality of her own decisions, the M could still be saved. I think you will need to use the LRT, GAL, and build your life around you and the kids......rather than trying to play family with her. As long as she can still play family from time to time, she will not be motivated to make a change.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
