REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!#4

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Wonka, sorry that it's taken me so long to respond. It seems that when I opened up and actually wrote down what I have been dealing with, it opened up the emotional flood gates and now the tears come every time I try to put my thoughts down. I would like to thank you for coming over and catching up on what's been going on with me.

You are right that it takes it's toll. At this point I feel beaten down, completely defeated, confused and numb. He tells me how he want's things, I do it that way, then he says it's not right and constantly changes the rules on me. I can't ever figure out what it is that will make him happy. And, the constant arguing. I try so hard not to engage, and he makes it so difficult because he just keeps pushing buttons trying to get a rise out of me. I can either sit there and be emotionally beat up, or argue with him. He just keeps pushing buttons...as soon as I bite on something, he takes off with it. Then, tells me that he's tired of fighting all the time and blames me for it saying "You like to fight." And, I know it's not me, but it's like trying to figure out constant craziness. Trying to figure out exactly how to do things the right way so we can get along. I just don't know what to do anymore.

When I first went NC, it seemed to work in that he missed me. After 5 weeks of NC he even wanted to get rid of ow and reconcile with me. But, now it just seems like he's glad I'm not there. I kept trying to tell everyone that he wouldn't ever reach out to me, that I would have to contact him....that he doesn't respond like everyone else does. I think everyone just thought I was impatient and wanted to persue him, but I just knew that he wouldn't respond like most walk always would. It's just so confusing to me and I feel completely lost and alone in all of this.

I have spent hours tonight reading about NPD. Unfortunately, I will admit that he has SEVERAL characteristics of NPD. He also has so many characteristics of MLC. Perfect! A WAH with NPD in the middle of a MLC. I would ask if it could get worse, but I'm sure it can so I don't dare ask! Some of the of the NPD characteristics that he has can also be MLC though. So, how do you know if he is just in the middle of a horrible MLC and has a few NPD characteristics versus full blown NPD and MLC at the same time? I had origionally thought that so much of his anger came from the 2nd stage of the MLC (which is anger). Once he hit the 3rd stage, replay, the anger seems to be gone. He is more calm now than he had been. I guess I can't really mind read to know if it's because he's through that 2nd stage or if it's because ow is making him happy where I couldn't. I just want to know, when the characteristics overlap between 2 different things, how do you know if it's one or the other and if perhaps he just has a few tendencies toward the NPD but his MLC is making it seem like he has more charactistics on the list than are actually there in his normal state of being. I hope that makes sense.

People with NPD don't really have normal relationships with anyone. They don't have empathy or an emotional connection with anyone. But, he does have that with his kids. He doesn't suck them dry. He is really giving and loving when it comes to them. He cares if they get their feelings hurt. He doesn't take anything from them, only gives to them. That confuses me if he's NPD. The person he takes everything out on seems to be JUST ME. That's what makes me think it's anger from his MLC and he's directing it at his spouse like everyone else...he's just REALLY good at it. And, maybe he's been in that stage 2 for a long time and he's one of the really slow MLCers?? Or, maybe I'm just grasping at straws. I honestly just don't know, but I want to.