TxHubby. Can you describe the 2 years before you filed? You mention it a lot, but what was going on? What whas she telling you? Was SHE threatening to leave or was the cake eating? Thanks!
After the horrific event of 3/17/13 I was full of rage and told her she should leave. She did. She took a small apartment a couple miles from the house. We were basically separated (not officially) for the next slightly less than 2 years. Supposedly she was devastated when she got busted but even though her AP fled the state, I came to learn later that she was using OK Cupid and meeting other men. All the while telling me she was so sorry and wanted to R. Like a sap I did everything wrong for that period. All the stuff here we tell people not to do. Violated all of Sandi's rules.
I also numbed my pain through alcohol and prescription pain killers. The VA was happy to supply all those I wanted because of a service related injury that turned into lifelong chronic pain. In that time I neglected everything. My job, my daughter, myself. I was falling apart. I begged my wife to come home and work on the marriage. She said we need time apart to work on ourselves individually. Of course that meant she wasn't done meeting up with other men. We still shared a Verizon account, I saw her activity.
I wished most nights that I wouldn't wake up the next morning. She was the love of my life. My first love. I was her first love. We adored each other. At that time I barely recognized her. She acted nothing like the wonderful wife and mother that I would have taken a bullet for without the slightest hesitation. I was no longer enough though. She wanted other things. All the while keeping me as plan B. Telling me she couldn't imagine growing old without me and that we'll work on ourselves and be together again. Of course a little snooping on my part revealed that was all BS and she was sleeping with several OM. Some I probably still don't know about.
We continued doing this dance until I just had enough. That was a little over a year after B-day. Maybe it was God giving me the blessing in my heart and mind of finally truly detaching. I did a 180 before I knew what it was. I stopped checking in with her. I stopped checking up on her. I stopped caring. I truly stopped caring. Go be with whomever you want, I'm done. I can't live like this. She would call me crying about whatever (she was still in HUGE MLC mode) and I'd tell her I can't help you with that anymore. You have to figure your sh*t out.
I contacted a lawyer and filed for divorce. She got served when she was having friends over at the apartment. Her new toxic buddies and probably some creepy men. I heard some details about it. She freaked out. Told them all to get out and cried the rest of the night.
I guess she had figured I'd wait until she got this out of her system and we'd continue our marriage at that point. Nope, not me. I had enough. I no longer wanted to be married to her. She became the kind of woman that I would never associate with. You have to know the kind of guy I am. I'm a Disney Channel kind of guy, not a Cinemax guy. KWIM? I would never ever associate with a promiscuous woman. That's gross. I like nice girls. Always have.
Anyway, that did the trick. She snapped out of it. She stopped lying, started going to therapy. Got a hold of me at work and said to please give her a chance, that she was "better" now and would prove it to me. I said no, please leave us alone (our daughter also wanted nothing to do with her).
She wouldn't quit. I myself was moving on. I was seeing someone casually. I was moving on in every way you can. I was feeling better too so I really had no incentive to talk about getting back together with the woman who crushed my soul. My pick me dance was over. I told her I was no longer available to be picked. Still, when I was alone with my thoughts, she dominated them. Why? Because I love her and always will. It almost feels like a curse sometimes but I truly believe that the man upstairs planned on us being paired for this life and whatever's next.
Slowly but surely I came around, we worked on dealing with everything that had happened. I recovered all her deleted emails from her gmail account and did a lot of reading. It was excruciatingly painful but I needed to read it. I insisted. Although it was painful, it was eye-opening. There were so many emotions and feelings she had that I was unaware of. The whole family was unaware because she was a good woman and didn't want to burden us with her insecurities and regrets about certain parts of her life. I learned she questioned if she didn't jump into marriage too young and if she ever really loved me like she should. She questioned being a mother, if it was something that just happened but that she wasn't sure if she really wanted to be a mother. She wasn't happy in her chosen career. She wasn't happy where we lived. Most of all she wasn't happy that she didn't take more control of her life so I guess that's what she was doing by acting like a teenager again, drinking, partying, having casual relationships with creepy dudes. A lot of whom were married.
She was also diagnosed with severe depression. She got treated for all this.
Anyway, here we are. I don't ever bring up that period in our lives. I decided that everyone deserves a second chance, no one deserves a third. If you forgive a remorseful spouse then you can never bring it up again unless they do. Do you, as a betrayed spouse, have to eat some serious sh*t sandwiches? Oh yeah, you betcha.
Still, 3 years later and I do feel blessed. We both know that we'll be together for the rest of our lives. Although I know that anyone can cheat on anyone else I don't spend a second thinking about that. I could get killed in a car accident every time I leave the house. I don't spend a second worrying about that either. Living in fear is no way to live.
So here we are. I love her, she loves me, and we work on us every day. 2 years of agony. I still feel depleted, like it killed part of my soul but I'm recovering. Talking to people here helps. She encourages me to do it and she also reads all your stories. Some of them have made her cry because she sees herself and her past cruelty in some WW's she reads about here. Today the fog is gone, she's back in this world with me, and she literally can't believe how she acted when she went through that period in her life.
