B's Bootcamp v3

[Vanilla]

Firstly I want to say to you that your sobriety and the things you are doing are to be highly commended. In these difficult circumstances you are going to AA and staying sober. This is the most important gift you have for yourself and your family.

It is a very short period of time.

The day the alcoholic decides to remove their sting seems like to them their addiction is over. I do not think compulsives and addicts understand that is the day their loved ones usually fall into disruption and disrepair. It is the day that most spouses start with their anger.

It takes a long time for spouses of addicts to begin to repair themselves from the damage done to themselves and their family. They see further work involved and feel that they can go no more, the risk of investing in recovery of their addict and their R to be disappointed again is too much to bear. It takes time and detachment to resolve. They need their space and time, sometimes the spouse isn't even ready for step 1. Acceptance that addiction is in control. Often they can't even think of 12 stepping. It takes too much pain.

You can expect that your W may take up to 2 years to get to step 4. That is usual and she may not yet even see codependency or her need for boundaries. She will protect herself. Know this that is a consequence of your addictive behaviour. Your responsibility.

It is also your responsibility to learn to set boundaries for acceptable behaviour and to gently reinforce them.

So stop, give W space. Stop the blame game, it isn't helping either you or W. Too much focus on whether there is an OM whether W is wayward. I personally don't read wayward as primary, I read anger and a desire to push forward with her independence. I understand it, I really do, if a spouse lives with an addict in full mode then that's where it comes from. I know you read Thornton's thread, and imagine if the way Thornton's significant other behaves is how your W sees you.

I think it would help you to rework steps 1 to 3 of your twelve step program. I can't see that the implication of those steps has hit you yet. Have you a mentor? That is vital to you.

I do not see you are ready to begin MC.

This is support from V, addiction is tough and very hard on families.

I also suggest you read about being the child of an alcoholic, your children are the children of an alcoholic. Sobriety for such a short time is not atonement. To atone takes great courage and humility. I don't see it nor do I read that you understand the damage done by addiction by the addict to the family.

It is very painful when the addict hits acceptance, it can send them back to their addiction. It is the first step.

I believe you have a great deal of work to do on you.

Secondly there are physiological issues that need addressing. Substance addicts invariably have poor health especially if they smoke. Nutritional deficiencies and you say you have lost a lot of weight. Know your numbers, get your health, liver function and thyroid tested. Kidney damage is also common.

That is just to start with. You need extreme care of you.

Let's also consider the body mind spirit interaction, this will take at least 9 months before the after effects start to improve significantly viz:

When heavy drinkers suddenly stop or significantly reduce their alcohol consumption, the neurotransmitters previously suppressed by alcohol are no longer suppressed. They rebound, resulting in a phenomenon known as brain hyperexcitability. So, the effects associated with alcohol withdrawal -- anxiety, irritability, agitation, tremors, seizures, and DTs -- are the opposite of those associated with alcohol consumption.

There will be longer term indicators of this too. I think it would help you to understand that much of your hyper reactivity and mood swings are related to your addiction and the consequences of it. It may take several months before this settles, and this may take longer if you do not take great care of you.

You need hyper nutrition strategies, gentle exercise and honest GAL with men and women of all ages who do ordinary activities. A hobby or pursuit in a club of your choice perhaps, volunteering at a school or charity, rotary or something to give back.

Dating is not good GAL and if I were W, that would make me think scorpion, so much damage and he dates?

Dark is not good. Validation is important.

You are rushing, it's in the nature of compulsives, you have time take it.

This is a long haul and there is much work to do with 12 steps and DB, exams.

Now I tell you extreme self care.

Breathe, calm and serenity.

One day at a time

V