What Action do I take?

[sandi2]

Thoughts on her getting closure or telling the guy its done and if I should be in on that call or all 4 people in on the call?

No such thing as her getting closure by seeing him one last time, or talking to him over the phone. Now if she wants to write him a no contact letter, that's fine. She needs to tell him not to contact her ever again under any circumstances. Otherwise, the only way to end an A is stop it dead in its tracks. There is no tapering off, etc.

I think you and the OM's W could certainly be there to listen to the conversation. I don't know that it would be wise for all four to join in on the conversation, but that's just MHO. I think the letter is better, b/c if she hears his voice, she'll probably become emotional.....and that could lead him to believe she was being forced to call him. I do believe if she writes a letter, that you should see it, and then you should be the one to mail it. She's too vulnerable at the moment to be able to trust.

I see there being another conversation at some point. Can I ask my wife if there has been that talk?

Maybe by now you have read what I said about the transparency. If she has not agreed to being transparent, I don't think she's going to be truthful if you ask her if they've made contact. But, sure you can ask.

She told me today for the first time ever that she is so sorry for Fn up our lives. She said she feels sick about all the problems she has caused.

Actually, that's an excellent start. Right now, she's upset about him and generally everything. Hopefully, it will lead to remorse.
And hopefully, that will get her through the withdrawals.

I think you should consider an excellent therapist or MC to help guide you back. Piecing is really hard and without some type of program or counseling....many couples don't make it. Maybe I am the one rushing things, now. Just put it under your cap for later.