But what does be my best mean around her? Do I do nice things for her I would normally do. I stopped doing those things recently when she moved to the basement.
If I said not to focus on trying to be a super husband and just be the best man you can be, would that shed a different light on things?
It is a little difficult to give you the ABC's of everything you want to know....just yet, b/c you don't know the status of the M, yet. What I mean is if she really does end things with OM, she's going to be hit with addiction withdrawals....big time. This is a period that is very hard for the WW, and very frustrating for the LBH. The temptation for her to contact the OM will be almost overwhelming. That is why there needs to be a transparency plan.
If she tells you that she is ready to do what is necessary to save the M, then you need to explain that she has to agree to be transparent in her activities (such as phone, emails, etc.). You should be able to look at these without notice/warning whenever you decide you want to check it out. This is not only her way to earn back your trust again, but to help her to stay on the straight & narrow road back to recovery. Nothing should be private between a man and wife. If she starts in about needing her privacy, then she's not ready to do the work. The only reason for privacy is when there is something to hide.
So, if she agrees to transparency, then you are ready to give her all the support she needs. And, she will need encouragement and support. I have not seen any WW who wants to suddenly be smothered by her H's presence, but neither should he go away and forsake her if she's trying to work through withdrawals.
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What if she asks to come back in our bed?
If she asks if the two of you can sleep together in the same bed, my recommendation is that you agree.....so long as you are satisfied she's doing what she claims. I don't mean you hold it over her head, I just mean you shouldn't let her back into your bed unless you feel she is truly trying to do the right thing. Most WW's are not emotionally ready to transfer from the OM to the H overnight, so you will probably want to wait and see if she initiates sex. And if she doesn't, don't make it mean more than it does. It's an adjustment. I am a lot more suspicious of a woman who immediately jumps on the H to prove to him that she's ready to be his wife, than a woman who needs to take time to get her sh't together and get over the OM before making love to her H.
Most times, the H is thinking or wondering if she'll ask to do this or that, when it's usually the last thing on her mind right then. The difference in the mindsets, I suppose.
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I don't want to screw this up and push her away.
I suppose that must be a common fear of the LBH. Let me give some examples of what would push a WW away:
1. Trying too hard to be a super-husband. 2. Trying to act like the perfect couple/family. 3. Being overly attentive. 4. Not letting her clean up her own mess. 5. Self-pity. 6. Being overly affectionate. 7. Pushing for sex, to prove her love. 8. Being too needy. 9. Putting emotional pressure on her. 10. Guilting her about the affair/OM. 11. Unforgiveness. 12. Self-righteousness/judgemental attitude 13. Asking too many questions every day, trying to find out if she's contacting the OM. 14. Expecting her to feel a certain way too much too quickly. 15. Revenge tactics. 16. Over protecting her and not allowing her to face natural consequences of her actions. 17. Overkill with compliments. 18. Not giving her money (like before the A). 19. Acting as if everything is already fixed. 20. Making her feel as if your eyes are on her constantly.
Now those are things that just popped into my mind without much forethought, so I probably left something big off the list. But do you see a common theme in the things I listed?
Things she will need to see in you (in no particular order):
