Dont be her shoulder about her problems with OM or what she did with OMW. Its not your call. She has to solve it on her own. As Sandi says, she has to put her big girl panties on.
Decide if you want to make it work and if you do then listen and apply the DB techniques so that you iron out those flaws you have for your new R with your W or someone else if you decide to move on.
If you decide to move forward with your W then be the lighthouse for her. She will have a storm in her head, act irrationally, some days go forward, some days go back. Some days act lovingly and others you want to toss her out a window. You however have to be CCC and be stable and not act on her impulses. If she starts screaming and so do you it gets you nowhere. If you reply calmly you may advance.
As for the rest be upbeat and positive, take care of your kids and yourself and do things to take your mind off this.
Whatever reason she gave for the A is an excuse. And I am sorry but if after 12 years of marriage and 3 kids she crossed the line because of a lousy 6 months following your moms death then she does have her work cut out. Truth is though it does not matter, sometimes they cant even put the finger on it exactly. The reality anyway is that she chose to jump into someone else's bed and you did not. She made a choice and has to solve it. Why it happened is also what she has to work on as she had many other options to choose from. At least to make sure she doesn't go via that route again if she is unhappy.
To be honest, no one here is really a smart a$$ or we all are. Depends how you look at it. Why come to a website and take advice from a bunch of people who messed up their R? Probably because they understand better than anyone the feelings and situation of everyone who ends up here. They have something more to offer than cheap advice. Read the DB book and see how much contradicts the mindset we have. Many of us here are looking for help and trying to help at the same time which is commendable. Offer the experiences we have to see if it can in some way affect positively some one else.
In my view, the only real smarta$$ I have found here are the ones that think they have everything under control. This does not apply to them. Do B when everyone says A and blame everyone else for everything. Which then brings about the question, why come here?
As for me, I am telling you what I did and how it got me success and still seems to be working. If it were not for DB and sharing my problems asking for advice I would probably be separated at this stage. I have no guarantees what the end will be but I am content with how they are going and strive to keep going in that direction.
As the person I am, I like to share my successes and failures so that it may help someone else. It obviously does not mean what I do or dont do will get you any success but if you look at the generic attitude and actions employed here in specific moments you will see they result in similar results.
Sometimes the comments we make on personal situations is like fine tunning an action or thought.
To put it another way, following the guidelines here achieves success on different scales depending on the relationship itself and how you apply it.
Anyway keep it up and remember you will patience, lots of it. Your situation will run easily into the latter part of this year before things seems "normal".
