REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!#3

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Boundaries and validation are good, but I think you nailed it with appreciation/feelings of importance.

How did you show appreciation? Where did you fall short? Why? What did H look for in terms of feeling appreciation (love languages)? Did he tell you he didn't feel needed or appreciated? Did he tell you what he needed from you to feel this? Was this why he left?

No, I do not believe this was the problem that caused him to walk away and start an A. And, no, he never told me what it would take to make him feel loved or appreciated. It sure would have helped though. He also didn't tell me that I didn't make him feel loved or appreciated.

After we moved out, he watched me struggle with money while he didn't. He never gave me money or offered to help me in any way. He expected me to do favors for him if he needed me to, but he didn't want to help me at all. I found our recently that he once gave my daughter $100 for school clothes when I couldn't afford them. She told me the money was from her birthday. He told her that if she ever needed help with money, she could come to him but not to tell me about it. He told her that he wasn't going to help me because he wanted me to fail so I would realize that I needed him. The thing is, I didn't need him for money. I WANTED him because I loved him. When she told me that, I began thinking that I had mistakenly made him feel unappreciated and didn't make him feel needed. I thought I was just being an independent woman, but apparently that was not what he wanted. I needed him for love, affection, companionship, and to feel safe and secure. I just didn't need him for money. I didn't realize that was a bad thing! I guess he needed me to need him in that way. Or, it could be just another thing that he said but didn't necessarily mean. He was constantly changing what he wanted from me. Constantly changing the rules. I was always confused because I would think I was doing what he wanted, but then it would change.

As for love languages, mine would be physical touch. As for H's, I'm not sure. I think it would be a combination of Quality time and words of affirmation. That is a new realization for me though and I am guessing because it's not something that H told me or responded much to. I did give him quality time. I also gave not quality time, and basically ALL of my time. I also did acts of service for him. I thought that's what he would have wanted, maybe I was wrong. He also got physical touch because that's what I needed but he didn't give me much of it so I would sit by him, lay my head on his chest, hold his hand, etc. just so I could touch him. Sometimes he would let me and sometimes he would sigh and get irritated because he was "just about to get up" and apparently I "have bad timing."
As for words of affirmation, I would tell him that he's smart, funny, that I know he works hard, that I appreciate it when he fixes something or takes time to do something for me, that he's a good dad, that I love the way he looks and so on. I might not have done it as much as I could have, but it is difficult when you get nothing in return. I did still they though. If he was ever down on himself, I would always try to pick him up and make him feel better.

I showed him appreciation by telling him that I appreciated it when he did something for me. I also cooked, cleaned and did his laundry. I left him cards, notes on the bathroom mirror, bought his favorite things when I was at the store, always tried to cook things that he liked, I would ask his opinion on things. Two years ago, I started on Feb 1st and put a small gift on his car (card, sign, cake balls, sucker, .....) every day until Valentine's Day. I tried so many different things to try to make him happy and to feel special. He just didn't really respond. I guess that means I was trying the wrong things? I haven't read the love language book, I've only read what others have said about it. ??I guess I was using the wrong love language on him.?

All of this brings me right back to what I said earlier. How can I change any of these things and show him if I'm never around him or talk to him.

I feel like I have shared way too much and feel so stupid for allowing myself to be treated this way. And yet, I still want to go back.