When I say rowing the right direction, I always think back to 'are these the issues that caused WAS to leave?' I mean, we can change our hair color, wardrobe, and hobbies, but is that really where we should focus? That is why I was asking about your contributions to the breakdown of the M. 25years always says: No spouse ever returns to a marriage unless they are convinced it can be better than the one they left.
It is my belief that my H began the A because he is in MLC. I'm mindreading of course, but I think that he was having a hard time with the fact that I moved out. Then, his kids graduated HS. One of them moved out right after graduation, and the other moved out almost a month before H began talking to OW. I think the whole empty nest thing was just too much especially since I didn't live there. He is severely depressed and I believe he's just looking for anything to take his mind off of his problems and make him feel better.
The problem with doing 180's with H is that, first of all I don't see him or have ANY interaction with him, and second how can I 180 the fact that I don't live there? Move back in? I tried that, he said no. When I said that I could have had better communication skills to be able to deal with his insecurities, controlling behavior, jealousy, and all of that, that's not why he started the A. That's just something I could have done to try to prevent me needing to move in the first place. But, that's basically me giving him the green light to act however he wants and me take the responsibility of making it better for him. I do, however, validate the crap out of him when we are together. I do not allow myself to be engaged in any argument whatsoever with him. I smile, speak softly, validate, agree when appropriate, and pretty much communicate with him from a place of love and understanding. Even when he wants me to leave, I smile, don't make a big deal out of it and leave.
I am completely open to any suggestions anyone has for doing 180's with someone they have no contact with and who is having an A because I moved out. I really am at a loss. I also really do miss my H and have for a long time. I already wanted to move back in even before he started all of this. So, this isn't just "oh he dumped me, now I have to have him because he walked away." I already wanted this fixed and wanted to live in the same house as him. He wasn't supposed to try to get out, he was supposed to treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I really didn't ask for much!
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Just remember one thing- he's feeling more defeated than you are, and he's hoping YOU change. Not your hair style. But something he felt he couldn't live with anymore.
When I was living there, he didn't see any problem with the marriage. It was exactly as he wanted it. He controlled me and I allowed him to. I do get that he feels defeated right now. I can see it in his eyes when I'm around him. He looks completely lost. It's really sad and I feel horrible for him. I know he's not happy and doesn't know what he needs to do to be happy. I really do understand that. I also think he loves me, but doesn't know what to do with those feelings. He gets anxious and has panic attacks when I am around him. I know I can't fix that for him, but I REALLY want to. I don't have any idea how to make it easier for him to be around me. And, if he can't be around me, how will he ever want to be WITH me?
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
