Hi Thornton. Nothing planned. I usually try to go to a movie after work on Fridays to clear my head so I think I'll do that. For V Day, I think I'll stay home and cook myself a nice meal, maybe get a massage. This is my support group so I'll be here online for sure. I'll definitely go the gym, maybe go to my dad's house, look for another job, church. The great thing about being in NYC is that it's not weird to go places by yourself. It's just weird b/c I used to have such a robust social calendar with things we would do with our friends and now nothing. Its as if that stuff never happened and ppl have just forgotten that I am his wife and that we've spent all these years together.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
I'm an ambivert so I liked the companionship of my H and to be in social situations, especially with him b/c he was always the life of the party, but also enjoy my alone time. And I have ALOT of alone time now. The silence is very loud at times and I think that's when I get the most anxious.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
For awhile, I would go to the bar and just sit there. I only have 2 single friends who I feel ok being around right now - it seems like the rest of my friends and our mutual friends are getting married and having babies. My single friends aren't crazy or on the prowl and we do after work drinks and hang out from time to time but, I just don't see myself as single. I still wear my wedding rings. I don't want to date anyone and sometimes I'll hear, "Well you shouldn't date anyone but, there's nothing wrong with having a guy friend." And I'm just like, no. But then I think well H has stated what he plans to do so why shouldn't I? Obviously, I'm not giving up so that's not an option but those thoughts pop into my mind from time to time to discourage me.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Especially when it appears that H could care less about my whereabouts, who I'm with and what I'm doing. I want to feel that love and warmth again from him.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
It's tough to want that love from the one person who doesn't feel it for us.
I read an article about what happens to the human brain when faced with rejection and it's very similiar to coming off drugs. Dopamine is a feel good chemical in our brains and when we are rejected by a lover, the dopamine levels drop significantly. So we try to look for another hit of dopamine by chasing after our walk-away spouse.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've been told things will get easier with time...
I seem to be blunt in my responses because I'm always on my phone so I apologize if this comes across harsh but you have to back off
My husbands number one thing he noticed was me living my life without him. He specifically recalls certain events, times, interactions that I was distant (with the advice from the wonderful people here because there was no way I would have thought to do it myself). I was so worried I would do something wrong that would make him never come back. There is not one thing that will make or break the outcome of your M.
In the beginning I tried so hard to have reasons to talk to H via text - bills, kids, etc. He didn't want to talk to me and me talking about those things reminded him of the life he was escaping. Why would he want to come back to that ?? Nag nag complain bills etc (in his mind lol)
Anyway the best advice I can give you is what doesn't feel right to you but he will notice. Stop calling. Stop texting. If it's an emergency then contact but a TRUE emergency. Separate yourself from his life. Let him be free and see how 'great' and 'improved' his life is without you.
It took my H a few months to realize I wasn't the problem. But it took me backing away and letting his choices blow up in his face. With me out of the picture when he was still unhappy (surprise surprise) I wasn't there to blame.
I was bad at GAL by myself but my boys and I always were out doing stuff. My friends and family saved me... Stay busy. Find out who you are, become the person he fell in love with. Day to day nonsense takes away the person we once were. I bet you can find that person again.
