Well, its fitting that my old thread is about maxed out...especially after last night.
WAH and I had the dreaded R talk - it was awful. Started with me begging, just desperately asking him to try again. I kept going around in circles which he hates but I know I was trying to wear him down to get him to change his mind...I think maybe I've been convincing myself that I could love him again, that I wanted us together knowing how easy it's been for us to hurt each other.
So much was said - so much I didn't fully understand, but do now. He told me that he felt guilty about leaving me behind and D4 behind because of his job, he didn't want us to always be waiting for him which we would be. He wants to be the best in his field (so happy to hear this) and he can't do that if he has to put us first. He's very career minded right now, clearly. He explained the bond he has with his coworkers because he's with them for long periods of time and that makes it harder to want to come home - if he had the chance he would have stayed away for a long time. He said he's been loyal which I believe, but he's had a wandering heart. He knew that it was over between us when he actually considered cheating (painful) because he truly felt nothing. He wants someone that does the work that he does, because he feels like I can't understand (he's never given me the chance). He also wants time to find and figure himself out (I want that for him too). He made it very clear, there's no future, he doesn't want me and he just wants to move forward (absolutely heartbreaking to hear) with his life and mine separate. He doesn't want me to drag my feet, but he wants to give me time to get my own life on track. He is willing to give us all the money we need...
I threw some of my own jabs - him treating us family like we're garbage, like he can just dump us off and run, or throw money at us. The fact that I'm left with all of his abandoned responsibility which he said didn't matter because he would be gone so much with his job (logical). I knew that when he accepted the offer though. I threw a few more, I got angry and left at 5 am after he left me naked in the middle of the room because he was "trying" to feel something but he just couldn't..couldn't let himself. I think for the first time last night I got it, because as much as I wanted him I didn't feel it either. I told him I hated him, that he doesn't care, I threatened to just leave...and leave D4 with him full time, to see how he could juggle his career and her like I would have to.
So, where am I going with this R? I'm going to be his best friend. I'm going to detach, GAL, 180...the drill. Time isn't on our side because he leaves for another 6 months in less than 90 days. Either way, I can't change the past. I can't change his decisions. Maybe I'll sleep better knowing that he has no hope for a new M. Deep down in my heart I hope that time will bring us together again, but my crystal ball was wrong once...so it's not very trustworthy anymore. Funny how one mistake poisons the future for some. At least it's that way for my H. He said that he knows too much now, and he won't let himself get closer to me than as just a friend. He said that we have been friends for a while that have sex once and a while...I can't disagree. Things have been difficult, but they're not broken...for me. Unfortunately, H doesn't feel the same way.
I'm not sure when I'll decide there's no hope. Maybe once it's official? Maybe when one of us is 6 feet under?
We're not in love. We both know this.
I would like to build that lasting love with him, he does not see the same.
I'm devastated yet relieved. I told him I hadn't been happy of a long time either, and I had to get that out because it's important for him to know that it isn't just him. He doesn't want to be a better H, whereas I want to be a better W.
Can't really make someone change that about themselves. In a way I feel sorry for him. The scars he'll carry around will last a lifetime, and will color his world in ways he'll never fully understand. While I may hurt, I will be working on myself to be a better person walking this planet and the next man who I decide to spend my life with will be really lucky and because of that work, I will heal.
We got literally zero sleep last night and the movers are going to be at our house, so that'll be rough with D4 who's a busy body.
It's even harder for me because he seems so relieved. I listened, affirmed, and forgave him but I still feel empty. Empty and rejected.
Last edited by Cadet; 02/12/1609:12 AM. Reason: fix link
