REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!#3

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Continued.......

So, my reason for leaving isn't really that simple. I left because I did need peace in my life. I needed to be able to stop and breathe without being told I was doing it wrong! I left because I didn't want my kids to grow up seeing me be treated that way. I didn't want them to grow up feeling like they were inferior to his kids. I left because I was frustrated and didn't know what else to do. I HOPED that he would realize that he was going to loose me and he would try to get help. I did NOT leave becuause I wanted to be free to do whatever I wanted. I did NOT leave because I wanted to be single. I did NOT leave because I wanted my marriage to be over. I love my husband and I never wanted anything other than to spend the rest of my life with him. I just didn't want to feel like he was punishing me ever day. I left to give us a chance. My intention was for us to go to counseling and work on our marriage. To make it better, not to end it. We did start going to counseling right after the separation. He just wouldn't do any of the work to try to fix things. The counselor would give him things to read and think about. He wouldn't even do that.

When I said that I didn't want to leave, it's because I love him and I really didn't want to be apart from him. I just didn't see any other way. I rented the apartment but didn't move. I stayed at home for another month after I had the apartment. I guess I hoped he would know I was serious and change. It didn't happen. He just got resentful and kept griping about when I was going to move. If he hadn't griped at me all the time about it, I may have never moved! I have missed him since before I even moved out. When he would complain about me not being there, I ALWAYS told him that I want to be married to him and that I just need him to be nice to me. That was my only requirement! Just be nice, I will come home. Nope!

Now I may not have handled it the way I should have, but I didn't know what else to do. Nothing I tried had ever worked. I just wanted us to get help so we could move forward and be happy together. I guess if I'm being honest, the separation may have worked but I couldn't separate from him. I basically just relocated, but allowed all of the same behaviors to continue. I spent hours every day at his house. He refused to come over here because it wasn't his house. So, I still went over there, spent all of my time with him, did whatever he wanted to do, listened to him gripe and complain about me only I had given him another thing to complain about....that I left him. I still let him control me, I just allowed him to do it from a mile away instead of from inside the same house. If I had been strong at the separation, it might have worked better. When he was upset, I would go over there and comfort him, tell him how much I loved him, and I always told him that I wanted to be with him. I constantly reassured him. He never had any reason to think I was going anywhere! I rarely even left my apartment because he would be mad at me. Seriously, I allowed him to still control me exactly as before.

When I realized that he wasn't going to fix anything I started trying to move back. I mean, I was always over there anyway. I really did and still do miss him. It got to the point that we just argued about me not living there. I thought if I did, the problem would be solved. I know that isn't true, he would have just found something else to complain about. He wasn't receptive to the idea though. I think it was because of his kids though. I think he was afraid they would leave him and he didn't want to rock the boat. I certainly never intended to be gone for as long as I have been and had actually started trying to move back about 2 1/2 years ago.

So yes, I may have technically walked away from him, but I didn't leave him. I spent more time with him after I left than I did before I left!

Hopefully this makes some sense and maybe clears up some things for you. I have to go take my son to work. I will be back in a little while to finish...