REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!#3

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Zues, sorry this has taken me so long to write. When I think about it, my situation is so complicated and hard to explain that I have felt defeated before even writing it. I will do my best to explain though.

Eventually, I just really needed to get my kids out of that situation though....and, I just needed some peace in my life.

I'm confused here. Is this what you told yourself when you left? You say you shouldn't have left...but then you defend it? But then you're upset that he's not interested in reinvesting in the marriage? I can't tell if you're saying you were wrong to leave because it isn't right to split a family, or if you're saying you are free to do whatever you think will make you happy but it just didn't work out the way you wanted.

Living with my H and 6 kids in the house trying to blend our families while he was controlling, emotionally abusive, insanely jealous, and at times downright mean was beyond stressfull. I stayed as long as I could. I really am not making this stuff up to make him seem worse than he was. If anything, I am probably protecting him somewhat because it makes me look like an idiot for wanting back in! He was allowed to do whatever he wanted, but grilled me about every single thing I did.

He would leave for work in the morning and then sometimes he would come home for lunch around 12. I never knew which days he would come home, but he expected me to be there. If I wasn't, he would complain, gripe at me, accuses me of being out looking for someone else, etc. So, it was just easier to be home than go through that. His lunch was an hour long. then, he might be home at 3 or it might be 5 or 6, who knows, but I'm expected to be there or clearly I'm sneaking around. So, basically, I had between 1-3pm to get ready, go to town, grocery shop, run errands, or whatever and e home before him. Even if he pulled in the driveway and I pulled in 2 minutes later, he was mad. Then when I needed to go anywhere after he was home, he would say "You had ALL day!" Like there was something wrong with me for not being able to get everything done between 1 and 3.

One night the kids wanted to play a card game. I went to the table and played with them, H did not and I could tell he was mad that I was playing. He didn't like anyone to have one minute of my attention other than him...not even the kids. Anyway, he got mad and went to bed. He hadn't been in bed very long and apparently we were making too much noise laughing and having fun. It wasn't late and he didn't have to work the next morning! Anyway, he threw my pillow at the door. I knew this wasn't going to be good. Continued playing cards though. As soon as one of the kids laughed again, another pillow hit the door. Sigh.... We stopped playing not long after that. When I went to bed about an hour later, he was just laying there glaring at me with his arms crossed. Honestly, I felt like a little kid that did something wrong and was in trouble. I went to sleep and apparently I was laying on my back. I was startled awake the next morning around 7AM when H banged a pan and a cookie sheet together as hard as he could about 6 inches from my face. I actually felt my body leave the bed because I jumped when it woke me up. The look in his eyes was that of a crazy person! He said that we ruined his sleep, so it was his right to ruin ours. You can't even imagine how mad I was! I tried to explain that we were just playing a game and having fun not trying to do anything mean to him and that what he did was just mean spirited and intended to be mean and hurt us. He didn't care. He then left our room and I could hear him wake the kids up the same way he did me. I think he scared about 5 years off of my life that morning!

Anytime we would go to town whether it was to the store or out to eat or wherever, he would stop and ask me "Who was that?" I would look around and ask who he was talking about. He would say that someone was looking at me. I would have no idea what he was talking about. Never saw anyone looking at me, nor anyone I knew. He would also accuse me of staring at people when I was sure I hadn't been. It got to where I would stare at the table or the light fixtures when we would go out to eat because otherwise he was going to be jealous and accuse me of flirting with someone or staring at them. When we were in the car, I had to look straight ahead otherwise he would constantly be asking me who someone was or accusing me of flirting with people in traffic.

Seriously, I could go on for days about stuff like this that he did. On top of that, all I ever got was constant complaining and negativity. I would listen to his crap and if I didn't deny it, he would say that it must be true because I didn't deny it. He was always trying to engage me in an argument over NOTHING. He just really seemed to need to put me down in order to make himself look better. I never really understood that and never would have treated him that way. I can't tell you how many times I asked him to just say something nice to me, but he never would. NEVER.

Most of our fights and problems, aside from his jealousy, was about the kids. He was great with his own kids, but always made mine feel like outsiders. He had a different set of rules for his own kids, and a much harsher set for mine. He would buy his kids things and not tell me, then say that their mom must have gotten it for them. He would take his kids to drop off /pick up for their weekend with their mom and would stop to get them something to eat, but mine would have to eat at home. He would give them money for whatever they wanted, but would gripe at my kids if they needed money for something. If anything was ever broken, missing, or whatever, he would always assume it was on of my kids not his. The list goes on and on! I am not perfect, but I did try my best to treat all the kids fairly. My kids aren't perfect and neither are his....they're KIDS! All kids do things to test the rules and assert their independence. In his eyes, only my kids did anything wrong and he was always right there to point it out to them.

Like I said, I stayed as long as I could. I really did need some peace in my life. I was depressed, anxious, and I started having panic attacks. I felt like I couldn't ever do anything right. I also couldn't stand to have my kids watch someone treat me that way. I didn't want them to grow up and think that anything about that was normal. It would break my heart if they married someone that treated them that way. Continued........