My W had a fling with an OM whose W she knew and who he knew me.
After reading the last posts, I think you are missing the basic point in favour of the day to day actions and dramas.
It does not matter the reason why he cheated on his W nor should it be yours. It does not matter what he told his wife nor should it be yours. It is not your job to downgrade the OM. He cheated on his W for whatever the reason and it is of no concern to you, even though it was with your W.
As for you, you should not try to win back your W by trying to portray the OM as a creep or d1ck. In fact you should not try to win back your wife. She has to win you back.
Secondly, the underlying problem here which I think you are missing is that she should not have got involved with him. Period. Regardless if he is a d1ck or a really nice guy she betrayed the R and that is what you have to work on.
Why she did it and if you want your WW to be your W again you have to work on you and how you start to interact with her.
When I found out who other guy was I told him to stay away and threatened him. I even waited for him one night outside the gym. I was literally going to beat the sh1t out of him. He never showed up. I confronted my wife and also laid out a few of the flaws of this pr1ck.
The truth however is that it does not matter. If my W still wanted to have anything to do with him she was, even if I b1tch slapped him into never neverland.
So I decided to back off and continue working on myself and letting my W decide what she wanted to do. I told her it was her call but this train was not waiting. When she had made up her mind it may be too late. I still have anger issues about the event and if I still see him there is an 80% chance I will slap him even if he is with his family and I am with my W. It is a stupid macho ego thing I know but he was pretty sure of himself when I confronted him because he was always protected. Now he knows he is my target.
Anyway, that is one thing. As for my W she is changing and I know she has a storm in her head but she is changing and our R has changed since this all blew up.
Bottom line is dont concentrate on the OM. Concentrate on yourself. We hear it a lot and it is the truth. You have to make sure you rebuild your R with your W to that point where infront of temptation she will not fall again. Where you know that everytime she walks out the door she comes back being a loving and faithful wife.
You wont get that attacking the other guy. You cant tell a drunk how bad booze is. He has to abstain and go through the withdrawal symptoms by himself. He knows booze s@cks. He has to be the one to make the move.
One final thing which I think is more worrying, I estimate it will be a year before this starts to fade out. 6 months before she has OM desires of ever getting into another A again out of her system and 6 months before she starts to interact with you as a W who does from the heart and you will need 6-12 months before you have absolute trust. All this with the supposition that there are no major hiccups along the way.
The time line is obviously approximate and depends on her capacity to overcome whatever issues she had to do this and your capacity to unconditionally forgive her.
