Hanging in there with hope

[Tamjakr]

Sorry. Yes I have read all the homework over and over. Trying hard to detach. Slipped up and we had slept together last Thursday. Haven't spoken or called him since This Tues. I want to tell the OW but I realize that would help no one so I won't. Just having a rough time and the thought of seeing them together at one of my sons games makes me sick to my stomach.

[Sotto]

Hi Tam, I had a bit of a yucky Valentines Day last year. However, this year I'm hosting a dinner party for six friends from my Divorce Support Group and looking forward to it.

First thing I would do is decide to have the 'best day possible' given all circumstances. Absolutely stay away from the phone that day and expect not to hear from your X at all. Then have a think about filling the day. Is there a single girlfriend who might want to catch a movie or something? If you don't meet up with anyone, perhaps spend the day 'loving yourself' - doing some things to show yourself love - have a nice bubble bath, read your favourite book, buy a new top, cook your favourite meal, have a pampering session. Like all antiversaries, it will pass and Monday is another day.

As for the baseball game and without reading back - presumably your X has OW around your 15yr old already? I would not ask him anything about OW - she is not worthy of your attention and is your X's problem. As you say, he would do what he wants to anyway - and probably tell her you didn't want her there - which makes you look like the bad guy. So, you don't get to control him, but you do get to control yourself. If she does turn up, you can breeze past and say Hi, looking radiant and leaving a faint scent of loveliness in the air. You can chat to friends after that, and laugh, having a lovely time - and leaving your X to wonder at his madness in leaving such a lovely wife for grotty OW.

For this, I think you need to grow a very strong spine, and be in no way intimidated or embarrassed by the situation. If he has embarrassed himself by his behaviour, or by bringing OW to the game, that's on him and is of no consequence to you...your 15yr old is playing and you are there for them.

JMHO of course, and I hope you manage to have a nice day on Sunday xx

[Cadet]

Sorry. Yes I have read all the homework over and over. Trying hard to detach. Slipped up and we had slept together last Thursday. Haven't spoken or called him since This Tues. I want to tell the OW but I realize that would help no one so I won't. Just having a rough time and the thought of seeing them together at one of my sons games makes me sick to my stomach.

Of course it would make you sick.

So what can you change in the future about what you posted above?
What would you do differently if you were to do it again?

[Tamjakr]

I would have told him no. I don't deserve to be your second choice or "side job".

[otw]

T
yes, V day is going to stink. I will have memories of last year stuck in my head. then i will also wonder if i have been replaced this year.

As far as your other stuff, here comes a 2x4, never again let yourself have a slip up of sleeping together while there is OW involved.

you put yourself at emotional risk, possible STD, etc..

I know you know better but you have to hear it also.

[Cadet]

I would have told him no.
I don't deserve WANT to be your second choice or "side job".

I fixed it above.

[Tamjakr]

So my x has been calling and texting more. I said he loves me and misses me. He said he is going to break things off with the OW. He says he wants to take it slow with me, be friends and ease back into things. I'm petrified. Not sure what do do. I want it to work for sure but scared cuz of being burned in the past. Advice please?

[Sotto]

Hi Tam, I would certainly proceed slowly and cautiously here. Also, have a look at this recent post by Wonka (a vet) which may help you. Best of luck xx

NYG,

Yeah I now see it.

The key here is self-respect. What I mean by that is not accepting W's sloppy seconds and not making it too easy for her to reconcile. You are a quality person.

You REALLY have the upper hand here. Not W. Not the OW.

For me, what self-respect means that I will not be a second fiddle to anyone. Self-respect means zero drama. All of that chit about getting hot and cold is manipulative. No two ways about this.

I am a lot further along on the path than you are and I now recognize it. I am absolutely fearless and I would not be shy about laying down conditions.

If I were you, I'd hear what she has to say then go with this:

I can see that all of this is a very difficult and painful experience. It has impacted me too and I do not feel safe with you. Trust needs to be earned here. Your actions are not trustworthy.

In order for ME to consider reconciliation, if that ever happens, I require the following from you in order to feel safe again:

1-OW needs to be completely out of the picture
2-No contact with OW in any manner even if it is work-related
3-Write a no-contact letter/email to OW to be reviewed by you and approved by you prior to sending to OW
4-We continue living separately
5-Counseling is non-negotiable
6-We are not going to be involved or start dating for a while until all of the conditions are met and followed through

Tell W that you value yourself too much to be put in this position ever again and you are now aware of your needs. You need a partner who is supportive, open to having difficult discussions if there are ANY problems whether it be large or small, not run away from problems, and thinks you're the bee's knees.

Then wrap it up by saying that W has some decisions to make here and it is all on her to clean up her mess. You cannot help her nor will fix it for her. It is W's responsibility to fix this mess.

I'll smack you, NYG, if you say "I miss you, I love you" or some other sappy sentiments to W. Time to grow a backbone and lay it all out for W.

[Tamjakr]

The latest news is he and the ow have "parted ways". Now he his telling me he hasn't given up hope for us but wants some time alone. It's making me crazy, needy, desperate etc. How should I handle this latest development? Any advice would be appreciated.

[Thornton]

Stay calm. He will need to mourn his relationship with ow. Don't pursue him.