surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

Thank you so much for your kind, wise, uplifting words, JB. It always makes my day when I see that you've dropped by my thread.

I'm still floating in the air, Wile E. Coyote style, 10 ft away from the cliff with the ground so far below, running in place as fast as my legs will spin. I'm afraid if I don't stop DBing, that I will fall and fall hard. Right now I'm hovering and it is so surreal.

I want to have fun on this trip. I want to BE fun on this trip. I want H to see me and treat me as if nothing is wrong...like when we are alone at our ski hill. And I also don't want to see him in case he ignores me around everyone else, because that is sooo painful.

I can only think that if I go out of my way to show how much fun I'm having and how outgoing and cheerful I am with everyone else, that it will be like when I force eye contact and smiles on him...he can't help but respond in kind. Because that HAS been working. I need more energy. This, and the anxiety and depression that come with NC or his indifferent actions, is draining. Hot cold, enjoy you and ignore you.