KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

Thanks Sunny and Mozza for checking in. XBF definitely didn't seem intimidating in a social/education/etc. sort of way, but I did feel like he was more attractive and often wondered why'd say I was beautiful, sexy, etc. It's hard now not to think "I knew it was too good to be true, he didn't really mean it!" Sigh. I'm finally reading Mindset by Carol Dweck and I know that is very fixed mindset of me. I need to work on my growth mindset in terms of my own capabilities and self-esteem. But I fear in relationships and how I see significant others, my growth mindset is TOO big, to a fault - in a growth mindset you believe that people can change and interactions, personality, etc. are not fixed. Fixed mindset people tend to say things in relationships like "well this is just the way they are and people don't change, guess we'll call it quits." I think I get too caught up in the potential or idea that if we can communicate and problem solve, it will work, and believe that people can drastically change (or will want to) when they cannot or will not.

I'll ponder the 5 GAL things. It does feel like just going through the motions right now when I do stuff.. it all has this undercurrent of "but XBF is gone, I won't be able to share this with him later, what's the point." Right now all I feel like doing is 1) sleeping, 2) turning my heat up to 70 degrees and cuddling under all my blankets, 3) withdrawing from people, 4) watching mindless TV so I don't have to think about anything. I'm trying not to get stuck in those things, though. Going to a friend's for dinner, been bugging another friend about going to see Pride + Prejudice + Zombies.

Still wondering what I can learn from this and how to improve myself. Be more patient with people and give them space for a relationship to build? To what point? I really have no idea. I guess I just have to hope that there is someone out there that will be on the same pace I am and be "all in" like I am with them.