Just to reply to Shotgun as I don't want to high jack his post and I'm sorry if it's too long.
No my STBXH isn't a fool, he is just a person who has a lot to deal from his childhood and didn't get the support I should have provided him with. He felt unloved (not that I don't love him, but I didn't show it enough since birth of the kids), critized (he was right as whatever he was doing it wasn't good enough for me), not understood ( I wasn't listening to him and couldn't see things from his point of view).
My MIL's words will haunt me for the rest of my life. When I got married, she said look after your H. I laughed it off and here I am now.
Gradually I'm coming out of my depression, seeing positive things instead of negatives ones, becoming more caring and more genuinely interested in others and not expecting things in return when I do something. A bright example of this is that today I cooked pancakes for one of my daughter's group. I did it because I wanted too, and wasn't expecting anything in return. That's a huge 180 for me, and I felt so happy and so proud. Even the lady who runs the group said it was the first time someone offered to do it. I was so pleased to make someone happy. A couple of years, I wouldn't have done that!
Regardless of what happens to my M, I realise that my M should have been my priority ( and it'll be in my new relationship), that I had let myself go badly (I won't go out without make up now!), that I didn't appreciate what I have (always wanting something better), that I was very judgmental ( and refused to admit that I was wrong), that I was scared of having boundaries just in case I'd be left by my OH (oops! already done :-)!).
That I was very negative (still working on it though), very stressed (still in progress) and I wasn't putting things on the big scale. I wasn't also validating him and I realised that he felt in love with my because I was confident, strong minded and at the same time he was my world. I can't turn the clock back, and I wouldn't anyway as it'd mean that I would still be the victim and wouldn't look at my responsability in the failure of my M.
There is still a lot of work to do for me, and I'm definitely on the up. Ask me in Sunday and that would probably another story.
I want to be happy and I want this for my kids. So to start my new Valentine's tradition I'll get a red rose for each of my girls, a card and a little something. I'll get a rose that they'll put on their granny's grave. I will take them to see their grandad.
I'll carry on my journey regardless of the outcome of my M. I know there will be some though time ahead, luckily I'm in a stronger place now. All I know is that your support has been such a life saver for me and I'm thankfull for everyone who has followed me, commented, picked me up when I was down and gave me a good kick in the backside when needed.
I love you all xx
This is a great post. I relate to every piece of it...right down to the make up, Thank you for your honesty
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Shotgun, I nearly had a heart attack when I read your post this morning as you have the same first name as my STBXH! What a day the people who bought the house want to complete in July! Initially the date was fine with me as the house I wanted wouldn't be ready, but now it has sold I need to move. I put an offer on another house and I might lose it if I have to wait until July!
I'm annoyed as my circumstances have changed, colleagues tell me not to push buyers as I might lose them! I don't want to stay in that house more than necessary!
Please don't have a heart attack Rouky as that would mean that I will never get to meet you! Don't hold my name against me please. Not everyone with that name is an idiot. Maybe a dork but not an idiot! Glad that things are happening for you on the housing front and hopefully you will be able to move on emotionally as well as moving on from the house. Have a nice evening!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Too young to have a heart attack and no way will I hold it against you for sharing the same name as him. I have calmed down with the house situation, maybe I rushed to buy the one I like. Will see how it pans out! Looking forward to see family, and I will miss my kids, although I know they will be in good hands.
STBXH could have said no to me going to see parents. He texted today about him finding an activity for youngest kid, I see it as good sign as he never ever did that for his first kid. Told him that she'll probably like it and to let me know how we take it from there.
Me I'm moving on with my life. No GAL this weekend as off to see family, so I'll probably do a bit a decluttering and reading.
Hi Rouky, just been catching up on your thread. I could have written your post about what you did to contribute to STBXH leaving! Every single word! We are so similar! I'm glad you are feeling more positive regardless of the outcome and can only hope that I can get to where you are one day. Seems like a good sign that your H is trying to plan activities to do with the kids while you're away. I hope you have a lovely time with your family this weekend! I think your new Valentine traditions sound lovely. I have been trying to pretend I don't know what date it is. Why are there so many triggers for a broken heart?!
Bit of a step back. STBXH turned up to pick kids. Looked good, smelt good and was smiling. First time since all this that he was standing in the door frame. I spoke a bit as need to talk about house sale. He never looked me in the eyes. What did hurt unsettled me was that he dropped the kids at the door, usually he'd come in. Not trying to read into it too much, still feeling a bit unsure. Other than that woke up happy despite the cold, had a really good day at work and my kids tell me they wanted to spend more time with me, they are only with their dad for an hour every other day and all day on Saturday. I took it as a compliment :-)
Not possible Thornton as when we were together he'd do it all the time :-)! I'm getting a bit frustrated as there only seems to be a status quo. He isn't moving closer despite me being dark as much as I can, nor he is introducing OW to kids or making it more official with our kids.
Another day when I woke up feeling happy and in a cheeky mood. I can't explain it as for some reason I feel gorgeous today. Discreet but yet sophisticated make-up, hair nicely done and normal clothes apart from one thing. I decided to wear a zip sweater with nothing under there. I know crazy as it's freezing cold! I noticed STBXH looking at my cleavage, and I also asked him to bring kids a bit later.
I didn't tell him why, nor did he ask. As tomorrow is the anniversary of the discovery of his A, I don't want it to be a sad anniversary enhance why I decided to get dressed like that today and I have plenty of things to do with the girls tomorrow. I won't let this past year decides about my future.
Rouky I am so proud of you! If you walk around looking all hot you are going to have guys crashing their cars and falling all over themselves. Your STBXH will notice too. That's the advantage you have over him in that he has no cleavage to show off. I happen to be working on my cleavage at the gym and slowly but surely I am getting a little muscle to return to my once ravaged frame. I am getting a few looks from the ladies as well and it sure helps to rebuild some shattered confidence. I love the cheeky mood as well. We might as well be smug as to be sad right?
I pray that your family is well and I hope that you enjoy your time with them. I think seeing your home will energize you and will refresh some happier memories. Hopefully everyone will return to health and have many more years to share the love that only a family can give. Through a really rough last year my siblings and I have become very close and in a way that was never possible before. (I just sent an group text to wake everyone up. I'm sure they appreciate it!).
Dieu vous benisse Rouky!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
