TX, I've noticed that whenever she thinks I'm pulling away, she reels me back in with talk of how much she misses me and regrets what she has done. Her latest has been how utterly miserable she is on the path she's on. So when I tell her it's not too late for us, and show her the path, the first stumbling block is the AP. She's not ready to let her go. So I back off a bit, then she says she's giving serious thought to reconciling with me and how much she misses our life. When I say I do too (clearing the path and showing her I'm still there) then she says she's a mess. And she won't let the ow go. So I guess I don't know how to show her the path without her throwing ow right there onto the path and cluttering it all up.
She knows, because we've both said it, that we don't walk this path until there's no AP. (BTW she says it's not cheating because we're not together.) But when I asked her if she would at least not sleep with her until she's decided, she wouldn't even answer. So I feel like I'm back on the roller coaster I started on.
I've not heard from her since the email where she said "Do you know I'm a mess." I didn't reply. I don't want to be her BFF. I want to be her W.
It does seem like she wants to keep her options open. Keep this new thing going and see where it goes but also know that she has you, the known good thing, in reserve. I was there too. I know what it's like to be that known reserve.
For me I finally took the big gamble. I said I'm done playing this game, I want a divorce, and I filed and had her served. That could have gone either way. She might have chosen her fancy new life of drinking, clubs, and men. Instead she chose me. I was lucky (I guess, sometimes I don't know). Do I feel safe with her? No. I don't know if I ever will. I think betrayed spouses that say they got over it and feel safe with their partners again are really lying to themselves. I know your pain.
I guess at some point you get to the point of no return. Your W doesn't get the luxury of keeping both of you within arm's reach. Nobody gets that luxury unless you allow them to have it. If you're content to stay how it is until she figures it out then go for it.
The deck is kind of stacked against you in that regard because while you're detaching and backing off the OW isn't. She's filling her head with every line of utter BS that your W wants to hear. In your particular case, however, I think that OW is kind of a nasty person. Nasty enough that the shine of the new R is already wearing off and making your W question her choices. The thing is, you said she did this once before. After I found that out you know what my opinion was. Maybe your W can change. Maybe she can grow up and cut out the silly jr. high school girl behavior. Maybe she can't. At her age I question her ability to change.
For your own mental/physical health at some point you have to do the final me or her, once and for all, no going back. If she chooses you then you have to give her the path back. If she asks how can I fix this? How can I help you heal? How can I re-earn your love? (All questions my wife asked) then you have to decide if they can do those things. If they can then you build a roadmap for them. You can't answer "I don't know if you can fix it." Say that one time too many then they give up, cut their losses, and move on. If you want her back and she asks those things then give her the roadmap back to you. That has to be your personal roadmap. What are the steps for her to be back in your heart fully? I think step #1 has to be NO more other people, EVER. If she has any further contact with OW then there is no point at listing any other steps. In the meantime, while she works on the steps, you're still GAL'ing and moving on.
You can't sit around forever waiting. I GAL'ed. I started really moving on. I went to lunch and coffee with lady friends. I wasn't dishonest with them. I told them exactly where I was with my wife (separated, limbo). I told my wife about it. Unlike her, I didn't keep secrets. Did having adult conversations with women I found attractive make me feel WAY better than sitting around the house throwing pity parties for myself? Oh heck yes it did. So much better. People that tell you that's a bad idea don't understand how much better that makes you feel. It also really helps you detach and think about other things besides your situation.
I do think the path back is important because, just like you, they are not going to wait forever either. My wife snapped out of her funk and asked me those questions explicitly. Sometimes you don't get that. They're afraid to ask that openly for fear the answer is no. They'll broach the subject in a passive way by saying things like "I guess I really screwed this up for good" or "I really miss us." You get the picture. Look for those phrases. What they're really saying is "is there any way to fix this?" "Is there any way we can be together again?" It's just pride or fear holding them back from asking the real question.
