Baby steps

[Painter]

I was going to update the other day, but had to abandon the post half-written.

H has pulled away again. He says he feels nothing, being close to me feels forced, he doesn't even feel the connection when we ML. I have noticed that his interest suddenly dropped. He said something about separation but 'doesn't know how we would do that.' He doesn't seem to think there is anything in particular that has caused it.

Afterwards, he said it was a good conversation! He's done that before when he has aired his negative thoughts about our future. It's peculiar, and seems to demonstrate a certain lack of empathy (this is pretty consistent).

I said that it was somewhat confusing that he just 2 weeks ago was adamant that he did not want to S but wanted to work on the M, but that I also thought it would be natural for the euphoria after reconciling to dim. I also added that maybe he was confused as well? - he didn't reply - and that it is after all only 2 months since he (supposedly) ended a R with OW that has been going on in one form or another for more than 2 years, and it was natural to need time to process that. He made a slight face at that.

Not sure if he is in contact with her again. Have no evidence to indicate that he is. But then again, I didn't see how he had time all last year, and he somehow managed by calling from work and e-mailing for months and months. It's the first thought in my head, that he is talking to her. That he's pulling away because she's back in the picture. I hope it's not, but if it is, I hope I found out quickly.

I told him the next day that if he wants to keep working on the M, I'm willing to give it time, and it's what I prefer - but that if he wants to S, I'll be okay with that. To not let his concern about how I would react, stop him from being honest. I assured him that I will be okay regardless what happens.

And I asked him to *please* be honest. That the worst is secrets and lies, it hurts more than anything else. He nodded.

Then for some strange reason, I've had a great day today, woke up feeling better than I have in weeks. I have slept in my own bedroom after his statements above a couple of days ago, it just didn't feel right to share his bed right now.

Also had a session with DB-counselor, we talked about me, then about what works with H and to keep doing that (communication-wise, I described it in the first post in this thread), and about our different communication styles. She helped me see what exactly I was doing right and what I can't change in H because it's gender-based communication style.

Later in the day, I had a really moving conversation with a random young man about his childhood and background - he is adopted, like H, and we just had this great, open conversation about what that's like.

H and I had dinner and watched TV, completely peacefully.

Ended the evening with a long, scheduled work call, so I'm staying busy in many ways.

Tomorrow will all be working from home, Friday I have an all-day art class. I seem to be able to focus and not be devastated by H's twists and turns. In some ways, it's almost better when I think we're going to split, because when we're working on the M, I don't feel like I get my needs met very much. When we're not trying, I don't put my needs out there so it's easier.