B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Thornton]

Good grief! Give the woman a chance to miss you, Bfice!

You panic and then blow her phone up, not good.

My advice: print out Sandi's 37 rules. Laminate them. Duct tape them to your forehead.

Stop the I love you's, I miss you's, If you change your mind you know where to find me's!

You have given away ALL your power. Why would she have any concern about coming back?! You aren't going anywhere!

Dude, limbo is a horrible place to be. And you are inviting it!

Stop texting her! Keep texts short and sweet and ONLY about your kids! NO RELATIONSHIP TALK!

[Thornton]

I realize you feel hopeless.

Here's the deal:

This is going to take longer than you want it to.

There's no way around it.

The ONLY way your W comes back is if you SHOW consistent changes. Texting her is not SHOWING her.

You show her your changes during the small interactions you have with her (exhanging your kids/dropping them off etc).

You want to be cool and collect. Confident and easy going. Fake it if you have to.

How were you when you first met her? Did you blow her phone up with texts? Or were you cool and let her come to you sometimes?

You can turn this around Bfice. Its not too late. But like the book says, if you want to guarantee she won't come back, keep doing what you're doing.

Give yourself a fighting chance.

[Bfice3]

This was is practically 100% of all communication that has happened between her and I since about January 1st...fyi.

The whole month of January has been complete no contact. That's 25% of the separation thus far.

I'm not taking up for my actions...just saying that the silence really doesn't seem to be doing anything for me. If you look at my last post before the texts...I mean...she never communicates with me. At all.

Literally I may get 10-15 emails that are forwarded with information about the kids schedule. Nothing typed or written. No, here you go. Check this out...nothing. Just an email that is forwarded.

And then, I get maybe 3 texts a week that's something like. S(9) has practice at 7 and D(11) needs to bring her school shoes back.

And that's it. There's just nothing coming from her at all. And I just...I'm just lonely and sad.

She's had time to think. I know I have to go back to no contact. And, I will. I just...hate it. It's not making anything better.

She interprets my silence as negative. How do I win with that?

[Thornton]

It's not about winning Bfice. It's about ATTRACTING your wife again.

There are no guarantees. Trust me, I would love a guarantee too.

You have to be ok with you Bfice. The hardest advice I was ever given - STOP NEEDING YOUR WIFE. It's ok to want your wife, but if you need her - that's a bad place to be and you will react from that place.

You gotta let her go before she'll ever come back. Just typing that makes me feel sh!tty but its the truth.

You have time to turn things around, start now.

[Bfice3]

Thank you for responding. I get it. I do. I'm working on learning how to be okay with me. It's not easy. I mean some days I feel pretty good...I'm a decent looking guy...I have a decent career...

But then other days...everything seems fruitless. I haven't been able to figure out how to interact with her without craving more. I am getting better about spinning out of control. This weekend for example after our big fight, I was more or less okay. I took the kids out and we watched the Super Bowl. That was huge! A month or two ago...I would have been a complete wreck.

I mean, there is improvement. In my attitude...and in my ability to detach from her.

But clearly I still have a long way to go.

[Bfice3]

Here's a question? Should I agree to let her take the kids on a two week trip and give up my 6 days of custody?

Here's my perspective. 1.) WW has flat out said that if this ends up in court she is going to seek 100% custody, and has made on several occasions, comments about the various things that she will bring up in court to show that I am an alcoholic, a drug addict, a thief. 2.) I visited with a lawyer and she said that North Carolina courts use the number of nights that a child spends with each parent over the course of the separation to determine how the custody and child support arrangements are set up. So, my view is that I want to get as close to 50% custody as I can during the separation so that if and when it ever comes down to it...hopefully, a court would see fit to allow me to have 50% custody no matter what my WW says.

I mean...I didn't tell her she can't take the kids on a trip. All I said was I still wanted my nights with the kids and that I'm willing to re-arrange the calendar to make that happen. That seems reasonable, right?

[TxHubby]

Get your days first. If she says sure but wants the 2 weeks and then she'll make it up to you later, you'll never get those days back. If you want to re-arrange the calendar, that's cool, just make sure to get your days up front. I say stick to the agreement, no alterations. Allowing her to do this sets a precedent. I have to be honest here. Your WW doesn't sound like a very nice person. Detach and look at her with objective eyes. You'll see.

[Imlucky]

seems reasonable to me.

offer a reasonable solution by marking 6 nights you can have in exchange for what you lose http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2652681#Post2652681on holidays, be firm and fair don't get caught up all the other stuff stick to issue

as for your first point I would suggest you keep all those txts or emails and make notes in a dairy to support your claim. custody discussions cause a lot of conflict you need to remain calm and reasonable. maybe some of it is said in anger it strikes me as bullying and control

good luck bfice let us know how you go


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2652681#Post2652681