B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Bfice3]

So this is the last one. I woke up this morning still feeling very sad about this whole situation and still felt like pursuing:

***7:30 am***

Me: Your silence is deafening. Again, a complete lack of response. Tomorrow is officially 4 months, fyi.

***8 hours later***

WW: Every time I say something you come back at me with insults, accusations, and meanness. You can keep S(9) on Saturday. Forget I asked. I'll take him Sunday at noon at my allotted time.

***Wait, what???*** ***You berated me for an entire afternoon because of this and now you're just letting it go?***

WW: Keep in mind that S(9) was crying a lot last night. He's tired of switching. He doesn't prefer to stay at your place that much since he has no one to play with, no toys, no computer.

WW: He needed to sleep with me. He needs a therapist.

Me: From your first message just now, should or can I infer that at some point you have wanted to talk to me about us and I have prevented it?

Me: All of the kids need a therapist. I need and have two.

Me: When I talk about silence, or lack of communication, I am referring to conversations related to the possibility of us reconciling our marriage. I don't recall you starting or responding to any messages, calls or emails about that subject.

***20 minutes later***

Me: And now you'll go quiet again...

***At this point I think I realized what I have been doing wasn't divorce busting and tried to start doing that***

Me: You are right though, I have, and am, full of a lot of anger because I am very hurt by all of this. The accusations and insults you refer to are (I'm assuming, because we don't talk) are based on my best piecing together and trying to understand and figure out what is going on, and what, if anything, I can do about it. I don't mean to insult you when I talk about what has happened, but I don't know ANYTHING about what's going with you, and from where I am, it seems as though you prefer it that way.

Me: I mean...if I acted logically based strictly on your actions and words...I probably would never speak to you again. But, seemingly, I can't easily let go of the fact that I have loved you. I'm trying to break free, and tell myself that its okay, she doesn't love me anymore, she's done all of these things, she's said all of these things, our marriage was lonely and full of isolation...just let go.

Me: People tell me that if you really wanted to be in a relationship with me, that I would know it and wouldn't have to ask. They tell me to move on, I'm doing awesome, I'll be better off. And I nod, and agree...but...even still, all I ever wanted was for you to make me feel loved.

Me: I didn't and still don't want a divorce, or to be separated. I didn't and still don't want our children to have to experience this. I didn't and still don't want anyone else. I have and still do love you. I regret everything I've done to drive you from me. I regret everything I've done to be an ineffective leader and earner. I regret everything I've done that makes you believe that I don't love you. I regret so many things. But mostly...and this started before the separation...I just miss you.

Me: Life will go on. I know that now. I'll be okay, and one day I may even be happy. If God will's it, I may even end up better off somehow. But, please know, that this is not the road I would have taken. You must truly believe life without me is going to be better for you in order to put all of us through this. I guess I hope you are right.

Me: I'll stop now...

***5 hours later***

Me: So nothing there deserves even the smallest of a response?

***20 minutes later***

WW: Yes, a lot does. But where do I start? I feel so disconnected. I feel horrible for any pain you have. I wish I could love you like you need and deserve. I don't know if I can and I don't have the strength right now to try.

WW: I live day by day. I miss my kids. I wish things were like they used to be. But we can't go back now. It'll be too hard.

WW: Don't blame this on other men. This is about you and I, and no other men.

WW: Can you have S(9) call me when you get a chance please?

Me: Well...thank you for responding. I can certainly relate to living day by day. The advice I most commonly receive is to do nothing...so that I don't do something I will later regret.

WW: I seem to follow the same rule.

Me: The part I have trouble understanding is not having the strength to try.

WW: I don't understand either.

Me: I'm sorry that you are lost in that place.

Me: I think I might be tall enough so that you can see the light from my halo to guide you out.

WW: Hahaha! You ARE super holy now.

Me: Angel emoji

Me: That was serious symbolism hidden within a joke and laced with self-confidence, by the way.

WW: Thanks for letting me talk with S(9).

Me: Anytime.

Me: Keep in mind that no matter what, we each have to rebuild what's left of our lives moving forward. Apart or together...each is a choice that carries pros and cons. If you ever get the strength to take that first step, you know where I am.

WW: I do. Thank you.