KGirl - new life, new stuff

[Mozza]

I do have some experience with that and by "experience", I mean painful memories...

I can't reinvent the wheel: the short-term solution is GAL. You need to keep busy to get your mind off of him. With time on your hand, alone at home, you have nothing to do but stare at the missing piece in your life. If you're window-shopping, jogging, dining out, watching a movie at a theater, you won't have the idle thumbs that beg to text.

Now here's something that didn't become clear to me until several months after BD: you can do things you enjoy. At first, I just tried to keep busy but I can't say that my heart was in it. Then I realized that I needed to do things I wanted to do. So I'd either pick my favorite things or stuff I hadn't given myself permission before. All of a sudden, I wanted to GAL and it became much easier.

How about you give us a short list of 5 things you'd like to do as GAL? Not things that are obvious or within your reach, but really things that you WANT to do. Take a few minutes (or days) to dig deep inside of you. Make sure that you're enthusiastic about all five.

I did get scared by a lot of the guys online who seemed out of my league or like I "couldn't keep up" with them - the well-traveled, witty, worldly sorts.

MAJOR ALERT! But you knew we'd pick up on this These guys ARE the ones you need to go after. You have to seek that feeling of "OMG, this is too good to be true! Why is he interested in me?! He's amazing!" You may not "keep up" (?) with a few at first, but who cares: it's just a few email exchanges or at worst a couple of dates. Isn't that worth it to finally catch the Grand Prize?

I can't stress this enough: go for it, chase your dreams, seek the too-good-for-me stuff. You've tried to settle for safe and look where it got you. Did it work in giving you the stable relationship you're craving? There is no safe solution in love. The best you can do is to reach for the stars until you meet someone who loves you just as much, not because they have no alternative, but because they want YOU. Not only these guys are out there, but right this minute, they doubt you even exist, as much as you doubt their existence.

My history is similar to yours. WW was my third girlfriend and sexual partner. I had signed a lease with all the women I had sex with... I hope I know where you're coming from. In my particular case, it lead me to think that I couldn't find my perfect match, that WW was an oddity and that, while she must have made a mistake in choosing me, I should enjoy it. As you can imagine, when she left me, I was devastated not only because I lost her, but because I lost someone at all. It was not an easy path for me to find someone else. I had no confidence with women. Also, she left with some of my self-worth because I thought that being with her gave me some social standing, some worth in the eyes of people and also mine.

In my case, my therapy was the flirting experiment, as you may recall. I read books and got myself out there. It gradually led to dating. And about a month ago, I met someone with whom I'd like to commit. My relationship with women in general has changed a lot and I've elevated my standards, with regards to meeting my expectations. It meant rejecting women that were not meeting my criteria, which was really not easy, but super-affirming for me. I handled rejection much better too.

This may not be the path you need to take, but I suspect it's the destination you need to go to: a place where you are choosy and willing to do what it takes to find the right person.

I guess I feel really vulnerable when I get to that point and get really attached and invest a lot of emotion in it, so the more it happens, the more I feel like it's not meaningful anymore, which makes me sad? *shrug* it's not that I don't enjoy it and have fun, I just want it to be under specific circumstances, in a meaningful committed relationship that has the potential to be long term which seems like an impossible thing to ask for in today's culture.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to limit the number of partners that you have. I'm less convinced about the impact it has on any given committed relationship that you might have.

Th desire and connection I had with WW through sex was amazing. We'd do it for hours, hold each other thight, look into each other's eyes, confess our feelings, etc. It's not the low number of partners that made sex special, almost sacred: it was the bond that we had. It had to be exclusive at that moment, but it didn't matter what we lived before. I wanted her to know that I was all there, in that moment, with her. And that she was with me.

So you can be a serial monogamist: no need to rush to bed, no casual sex, no dating multiple people. But make each relationship special knowing that what makes it special is what you invest. And the love you invest with whoever you choose is not lost. Your tank will be full if you need to find someone else.