2016 a New Year - getting out of my own fog

[Irish M]

I do hope that your W will work through her childhood issues and will be able to repair her relationship with her daughters.

Hi Bright :-)
yes I too wish for this. I believe right now this is 90% of my pain. The girls losing their mom. The damage STBXW is doing to the girls. They are strong but this will follow them for a long time into their adulthood.
I don't like the thought that my D's will be telling future friends and relationships that magic phrase I hear some adults say.. " Oh... my mom? well I don't really see her. We are not close." It's sad.

But I still believe that if a child has one sincere and caring adult whether mother, father or relative..it is enough

Hi Peace :-) I agree. My STBXW had none. I'm sure MIL and FIL at the time did their best under the circumstances. Clearly it affected my STBXW deep down and she has to deal with it by herself today. Maybe her avoiding and abandoning the D's is her wayof protecting them from her chaos. I hope that is the reason, because if it's just to have fun, party and freedom. STBXW will have no place in my life as a friend and will have no sympathy for her choices.

His parents have both been very cold and standoffish as parents and grandparents. They don't even visit our children on their birthdays and Christmas. Just not interested and have always cared more about their friends and drinking than their children and family. My H always hated how they were, yet now it seems he is doing exactly the same.

Hi Inpain :-)
My STBXW said the same. She had no warmth from her mom. She knew the kids were uncomfortable with her family. STBXW always said she felt more family on my side. Since BD the D's grandmother has abandoned them as well. Ever since she told the D's they were liars about what their mom did when they called her crying and scared. Grandmother never called them back, no email, no xmas card, no birthday card on D13's birthday. I mean STBXW has a reason, she was abducted by aliens ... but MIL wow. She just erased them completely. I even messaged MIL after a hip operation she had on Facebook. Didn't mention STBXW or the D's. Just wished her a good recovery. No reply of course. MIL is probably waiting for the D;s to reach our to her because they will miss her so much. Not. Sad for her but she's the adult. And I could one day forgive STBXW if she wakes up. MIL she will never have my forgiveness.

I hope the things you have blocked out for now, you will someday be able to process & internalize the events in there true light.

Hi Delboy :-) I catch up and read some of your posts now and again on other posts. I want you to know that I draw strength from them. Don't worry i wont empty the tank.. I'll leave some for others in need of it

Yes about the things I blocked out. It is more the things I forgot because they were so unreal. I could never accept STBXW would do what she did and that is what I have a hard time to register. I'm sure if I read my first posts when it was fresh I would still say that it is impossible that STBXW did such things to me and my D's. These are all reminders that STBXW is not who I married and is not the same mother of my D's. Abduction, demonic possession, Manic, sick, MLC, what ever... It's not her.

Even though your W is not well you can't fix her. Sometimes the best thing you can do is honor your love for her by honoring your daughter's... Continue to care for them in the way your wife would have wanted before she lost herself. Try to focus on that and you will show your daughters what love really looks like.

Hi Gwen :-)
well said. Yes i am continuing to love them and raise them as if STBXW was still here. I am not over spoiling them and showering them with additional love. We are an active family even before all this circus started. Zip lining, camping , museums, amusement parks, the beach, BBQ'S, trips, etc etc. Those things i will still do with them as long as they want to hang out with me lol. Also add new activities for new memories. My STBXW never planned any of this anyway so the D's now I'm not over doing it.

H said their relationship was up to them yet he has yet to try to empathize or reach out

My STBXW says the same. Said that the D's need to respect her and reach out to her when they are ready. She is so out in left field on this. It will be 8 months this March. If it was me i'd of waited a week at most they did my utmost to get my D's in my life but I"m rational and caring , with empathy and feeling about what the D's are going through.


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I had to get something off my chest. It was eating at me ever since my lawyer asked me if the D's emailed STBXW bad messages and name calling to her. I talked about it here.. i talked to 2 of my supportive friends. It was still burning inside. So i message STBXW.

I wrote:
I cant understand that you would lie about what the D's write to you. You say you wrote 200 emails to them over the past 7 months. Where are they? please send them to me. Also the email replies you did get from them calling you every name in the book I would like to see those too.

Go ahead and put me under the bus and tell your new friends that i am the worst person on the planet and the cause of all your pain. I don't care. But to say that the reason you don't see or want the girls is because they disrespect you and call you names.. if unforgivable.

Please stop lying about the girls. It hurts them more than you can ever imagine. They have been hurt enough.
thanks Irish.

I didn't get a reply and I didn't want one. Did it have any effect on her. Who knows. I needed to pass that on to her. Personally. Not through the lawyer. It made me feel better and i had a great weekend because it was off my chest.


Hugs
Irish