I usually try to update on Mondays … been pretty busy as of late, work has been going very well keeping me busy, plus the fact I lost my keys riding the Harley for the second time in 3 months … I swear… I have 2x4’d myself a few times over the last few days .. lost my glasses too which isn’t all bad, I needed new ones anyways.
I have been thinking a bit, reflecting A LOT and looking back to where I was, where I am, and which direction my nose is aimed at and I will not deny it I am pretty happy with ‘me’ and how I have turned my life around. Is everything perfect .. no, but it never will be now will it? I look back at who I was prior to BD and honestly I would not want to be that guy, I truly think this all happened for a reason and I would have never changed to this extent had it not been for all ‘this’. I have taken some inventory on things that are different about me now Vs say … 2012/2013. I am much more tidy, last night for example while cooking I cleaned the kitchen floors and the kitchen windows as I had my laundry going. I also am more driven at work, really trying to get our sales up 40% and as lofty a goal as that is we are already currently projected to hit 30-35%. My relationship with S is amazing, I have become such a good father and LOVE the fact I am able to be this for S… W is coming around as far as being a good mother (I will be honest during crisis she was not … I do not even think she was able to looking at it) if anything, regardless if we remain married or not I wish for 2 healthy parents for S, he deserves this. That being said we were talking the other night … math problems for S, explaining how pie graphs work. He rephrased one graph and said like this dad.. you are 90% nice and 10% mean. W overheard and asked what her ratio would be … she received a 75% mean and 25% nice. Then negotiated for a 50-50 with S and did so joking and laughing she did flash me a look as if she actually owned it. I have treated the R between W and S the only way I think can be done, not my circus… not my monkeys, she made that mess with him and she will have to fix it. No different than the mess made with her and I. I own my part, and would work on the M issues both past and present, however she is still in crisis and I quite possibly will never want to actually face all the things she did. Time will tell.
W seems to be in very good spirits lately. We went to the Wild Animal Park Saturday to continue celebrating S’s Birthday. I had a serious PMA going… a few times over the weekend W was playful, even gave me a few of those old punches in the arm flirty style. Again … I have been in a good detached place. She even watched the Super bowl with S and I, and I commented how this year she was more into football than I have ever seen her (Something I used to ALWAYS want to do .. now .. .not so much to be honest I hardly follow as its been more about activities with S). She made a comment about how she went into labor with S, how I was at a super bowl party at the time, which was true … but I had to correct her rewritten history as she felt she did hours of labor waiting on me when in fact she called and I was home within 20 minutes, we went to the hospital and they sent us home, we sat and watched a movie, went for a long night time walk, then went back to the hospital … and the next day at Feb 5 2007 5:34 (2/5/07 17:34 military time 2+5=7 17+17=34 is how I remembered the exact time ) S was born. This really seemed to stun her not just the fact I recalled the entire day, but the exact time. Over the past week I noticed W looking at old pics, not mind reading but I figured its recalling S’s baby years, she would show me a few pics and for me it was our old M, ya know … the innocent years before all this deceit, lies, betrayal … we did not have a perfect M but we were happy and loved each other.
So, the time seems to be ticking, I have prayed for patience and wisdom. Not sure if I have mentioned this but since the first of the year when W decided (typical over the past 3 years after New Year’s) .. I should say “Resolved” she still wants to D/separate and begin her new life, I chose to no longer share a bed with her. I “Resolved” I would only sleep with a woman who could love and respect me … especially if that woman was my wife. So I have been camping on the couch, honestly I have slept better and feel at peace. W seems to have a hard time sleeping and is often up at 3-4 in the morning. I try to not get irritated at paying ½ the rent and couching it but its MY choice and I am good with this … and I know regardless come May I will move or WE will move as her lease is up. For those new … she rented this Condo and it’s the place where she and OM enjoyed their PA activities so I have wrestled with triggers galore there. W did replace the mattress in the MBR which used to be our bed, that room still flashes visuals for me … not as bad now as previously .. regardless I will not be living there much longer. W texted me yesterday saying rent was increasing there, maybe this was a temp check I am not sure as we have not discussed ‘future’. As far as I am concerned her last comment was we would separate once she locked down a full time position, I would move out. Not what I WANT, but I am good with it as living as roommates is just not what I want out of a M, and she may not be able to ever come to the table and give me what I NEED … key word NEED not WANT. Thankfully I still have the bedroom set and couches for my place if it comes to that, I am still in the wait and see mode as when May arrives I am financially going to be in a solid place to get something for S and I that will work out. I am curious to what W will do, she had said at times the condo reminds her of what she did and she was ashamed .. with the increase I think she too will have to move, not sure.
Oh, so I mentioned I lost my keys … again .. while riding the Harley .. W does not approve of the Harley, she asked if I had finally ‘learned my lesson’ and said the bike was cursed. I laughed while reading the text and replied, “Ya know .. I thought about that and I think the bike is fine its actually me who is cursed” she joked a bit with me back and forth. This is new as she would typically use this as a chance to control or really drive home what I ‘should’ do/ ‘I told you so’ it to death. Thinking about it I think it’s the changes I made and her trusting I would not put up with that treatment. With this my lease is up on my Terrain, while it’s a great SUV and amazing on gas my needs have changed and I am looking at either buying it outright from the lease, or getting into a truck (This is what I want). W has asked here and there what I was going to do, she does not seem to approve of the truck route as she likes the SUV… that said she also has been unusually tight lipped about it knowing I am going to make the choice regardless of what she says. Now if we were married and all was good, best option would be to buy the SUV, have W take it (It’s a 2013) and I take her car, trade it in (2007 but paid for) and get the truck I want. However, she does not want a car payment and that’s all good, I have not even suggested this as she seems fine with her older car. I however need to run the numbers and see how much more the truck will be, but most likely leaning that way …. Who is having a MLC?? I have lost 20lbs, made a ton of changes, bought a Harley .. now a truck?? Heck maybe I will start dating some 20 somethigns just for good measure, shame I hear they talk to much. ….lol
