B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Bfice3]

So...basically, it feels like every change I've been making about myself, my wife is responding to in a negative way. Saying that me praying and 'being religious' is so fake. That passing an exam is great but I should have done it 20 years ago. Calling my apartment 'dumpy' even though its one of the nicest places in our area. She says that me advocating for myself and my kids and wanting my equal share of custody and time with the children is me being 'selfish'.

I mean, in general it feels like she is divorce busting me in reverse. She truly has alien brain and its getting progressively more intense. She has re-written the entire history of me...and everything I have ever done is evidence of my villainous behavior. She even is starting to claim that I'm not a good father...which was the only thing that I was ever actually good at, great at in fact.

I mean...tomorrow is 4 months. Next month, on the 11th...it will be our 5 month date of separation as well our 16th wedding anniversary. Yay.

Its fair to say, and to think, that if she wanted our relationship she would be making it happen, right? I am detaching more and more with every day...but this past month, and in particular with some changes that I'm anticipating based on what she has said...(me having to move everything out of the house)...I'm anticipating that an even greater divide is coming, and that I will ultimately be getting even more detached. And this part of me just feels like its wrong. Like...somehow...I should be fighting tooth and nail to protect and nourish...what?...what would I even be protecting? There's nothing there for me anymore, right. I mean...if she wants it, if she wants to, she will let me know and make it start to happen. And I have to simply leave the ball sitting there on her side of the court until she shows up to play.

Anyway...doing nothing, even it is the right thing, feels like its not. And even more so because it doesn't seem to be doing anything to help. Not that me pursuing her was doing any good either.

I went to go pick up the kids for school this morning and I noticed my son (9) was acting upset. I asked him what was wrong, and he didn't really have words. My oldest daughter (15) said that he had been very upset about the situation last night and was crying and slept in bed with my wife. This really broke my heart because he has seemed mostly unaffected by everything thus far, and normally he is so perky and happy and full of life. But this morning he was so down and sad...it just was awful to see. I tried to console him, telling him that I'm sorry, and that none of this is his fault, and that we are struggling through it together, and that I wish I could make it all go back to the way it was. Then he told me, 'Mommy said that everything will be okay in the future'.

And bam...the same thing she tells me. I've been thinking about this...and, it makes me angry. At this point, its not even that I'm hurt, or that she is hurting me. I'm upset for my kids. Her son (is arguably and often noticeably her favorite child) is now coming to her crying, upset because of a situation that she has created, and she looks at him and consoles him by basically saying...deal with it kid.

What kind of person, what kind of mother, does that? I don't know. I don't know what else she should have said to him, but it just seems so cold to me.

Anyway...no one really seems to have much to say or add to my posts anymore, and I guess that's because there is nothing to say or add. I'm sure that I'm screwing up this whole DB process...but I just don't see how my actions could be considered anything but positive by any normal person of the past 4 months.

Have a great day everyone, and happy valentine's day to those who want to celebrate...and for everyone else like me, I hope that little cherub slips and pokes his butt with one of those arrows.

B-out.