Writing this as I've got this thought bouncing around in my head that I don't like and trying to get it out...
Had MC with W last night. Overall left feeling very sad as she's telling me a different, sadder version of events from 6-9 months ago that I had thought were happier. I think I started to feel her pain - I can't imagine feeling how she's describing without wanting to change; can't help feeling like I failed for not acting differently or seeing the problem back then; and I can't understand why she didn't try harder to tell me / fix, and why I wasn't able to hear it when she did try to tell me...
The part that's bugging me / scaring me is that something changed in me. She's made a number of comments last night and over last few weeks - "you're only saying those things now since you realized we're having problems" or that I'm interacting with the kids more to improve my standings relative to custody if we get there or mean spirited tit-for-tat nasty comments if she feels slighted... I never thought I'd think this, but I'm not liking who's she's become or at least her really low opinion of me. Its making me feel very cold towards her, and its scaring me. I get she's been building a lot of resentment towards me for apparently years, and that I inadvertently helped, but I still don't like knowing she thinks so low of me that I'd resort to trickery or that I do anything to hurt our kids...
I guess this is my really internalizing the comments about WAS feeling like they've been replaced by an alien, and not to believe anything they say.
How have others dealt with these seemingly conflicting feelings of on one hand wanting to be strong for you loved one knowing their in pain, and on the other hand not liking this suspicious, mean spirited, cold person that you see walking around the house? I never thought I'd feel this way, but I do feel I deserve better treatment. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I always thought she knew that I was always trying to do what I thought was the right thing to help her and our kids - now I'm seeing someone who doesn't appear to believe that, and I do not like it...
Thoughts?
Last edited by Cadet; 02/10/1607:56 AM. Reason: merged
