I used to foster children with H1 and have never adopted.
I confess to a great deal of concern about your W, and until I examined some of my notes I was unsure why. I recollect fostering two children from a family of 6. The oldest two. The mother had a pathology where she only wanted to look after babies and children to school age. When the children reached five or six years old she 'discarded' them, she was prosecuted for neglect of her older children. Then she had another baby.
This woman went on to have five more children with two different fathers. She was only really interested in the children under 4. She once told me babies were 'cute and loveable'. She only visited her children in foster care twice in six months, they were adopted eventually.
There was to me some striking statements in your posts, for instance your W has said she wants the two youngest immediately. Your W stated there were other ways of having babies, she may want one of her own.
I am not saying this is the case with you and W although I am pondering at the upheaval you are considering so that W can parent. W has left her children and moved to another country, parents generally don't just leave their children in this way, they do most anything to be with them, near them, they put their children first above any personal needs.
W may actually only prefer the younger boys and if she has another baby then that could be quite damaging especially to the older boys. You clearly love your children and I do not doubt that W does although her behaviour at this stage is inconsistent.
I agree with your L to stay where you are, I do not doubt your ability to cope or parent. You are clearly the more stable parent at this stage and this is so difficult with 5 boys which you have adopted. I deeply respect your objective to hold your family together.
Like Julie and Sandi I worry about your W feelings of entitlement, suppose she spoke to an OM in Mexico and wanted to move there, would you uproot?
You may consider moving to be with W and then moving back? The effect on your family in this is worrying.
W necklace from OM is a red flag for me.
I remain unconvinced your W skills to parent the older boys (I do not doubt your skills and willingness) and the support she has with her family seems inadequate.
W stated she was unhappy with your M and yet together you adopted two more boys. The process for adoption here in the UK is very strict and I would suspect so in your state. That is a great deal of cover up to you and the adoption authorities of her unhappiness. Adopotion and long term fostering come with additional responsibilities with children of difficult backgrounds, especially when children are from different family groups. I know you know this and have stated you will parent and support your children.
Men can be the stronger better and more stable parent for their children. I am minded of Irish M, RD and Joe (there are many more wonderful fathers who have posted).
Your children come first above everything else. Jellyb is wise in her advice on this and I defer to her better judgement.
I am expressing my concerns in case they are of value, if I am overstepping I apologise.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
