Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

The past week has been a whirlwind. Very strange things have been unfolding for me. Some of you will think I'm crazy, which is fine by me. (self validation!)

I had a dream several weeks ago where a woman was speaking to me on behalf of my W, trying to help us by explaining some things about my W to me that my W couldn't explain herself. I wasn't sure who it was in the dream, not anyone I recognized. This week I met her. Her daughter is in my son's class at school, and my W already knows her but I hadn't met her until now. She contacted me 6 days ago to tell me that she received a message for me. Yeah, really. We met for lunch and she proceeded to tell me about how everything that is happening in my life right now is happening for a reason. She said that she had a vision where she saw how things in my life were changing to make room for something big, something about me finding myself and bringing unique gifts to this world. This woman is a clairvoyant, obviously. During our meeting, she told me that I am like her. That there are others like me, more than I knew.

Needless to say, this sorta blew my mind. Indeed, I have had a latent clairvoyant ability throughout my life, but I could never really control it. If anyone is interested, I could share an interesting story about that. It may convince you that I'm not as crazy as I sound.

Anyhow, the days that followed my meeting this woman had a very different quality to them. I had several experiences over the weekend where I was able to see things about myself more deeply than ever before. Some of them were very humbling and some of them very beautiful, beyond explanation. I saw a possibility of sharing myself in a totally different way within relationships which was infinitely more satisfying than anything I had experienced before. At one point, I started feeling very attracted to this woman. I talked myself out of what I think may have just been a projection. I don't know for sure, but whatever it was, it was very intense what I was feeling. Perhaps this woman was still helping me, showing me something in myself that I had to give, so that I could give it to my W to save my M.

I reflected on this a lot. I started to feel more alive these past couple of days. Around my W I feel a strange confidence that wasn't there before. I am continuing to have moments throughout the day where I see things about myself. I feel like I'm more in touch with grace, and the emotional pain where I have been suffering for awhile seems farther away.

Tonight, my W came to talk to me. She said she's been having a hard week. She is lost in feelings of remorse and cannot imagine ever forgiving herself for how she has hurt me. She cried. I told her that she shouldn't be so hard on herself. All that matters is how she chooses to live her life moving forward. Besides, I suspect something much bigger is happening as a result of all this which is actually good for me and for us. I told her about what had happened with the message from this woman, about the feelings of attraction, and my decision to see it as guidance for me, rather than getting drawn in. My W seemed relieved. We connected in a strange way, able to empathize with each other for what it's like to feel an attraction to someone else. My W proceeded to open up more. Throughout the whole conversation, I focused on that feeling of intense attraction as something inside of me, and I gave it to my W.

Toward the end of the conversation, she said "There's something really different about you. I have been noticing it all week. You are being so kind to me, talking less and listening more. I didn't even know I needed this." I asked her if she found it attractive. She said "yes".

So, there you go. My method appears to be working in strange and unintended ways. I have no idea where my sitch is going next, but it sure is getting to be more interesting!