, as this clearly hits his exposed nerves of powerlessness.
How is he the one without power when he is the one that left? He has the power to choose whether he wants reconciliation or to move on. I am the one without the power.
Any insight as to Why does he keep saying I kicked him out?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
, as this clearly hits his exposed nerves of powerlessness.
How is he the one without power when he is the one that left? He has the power to choose whether he wants reconciliation or to move on. I am the one without the power.
Any insight as to Why does he keep saying I kicked him out?
the only thing i can think of is how i think back to some things W would say to me about how she can't make me happy. This is when she was telling me how she wanted to be done and i was still begging and pleading.
it is their way to change things to where they are not making this decision but forced to. it makes them feel ok with it.
another example is the day before she moved out and I discovered the amounts i should give her in support are different than what we thought. I told her I can't give more than I am supposed to and she said she planned on that money and needs to, I said i know it is hard but i didn't want this and to is her decision , so she immediately said you're right but there are plenty of reasons, just like this. Meaning how i wouldn't just give in to her.
they need to validate themselves however they can
I think you should stand up to that and make it a boundary he can not say to you anymore
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Otw... It is another incident of its black to me and he says white. He could be in denial, he could be gaslighting, he could be saying it cause a lawyer told him to.
Stupid question I guess.
How would I stand up to that and make it a boundary?
Fo...thanks always for your support, humor and honesty (even when it's brutal and doesn't put one in the best light...cause I love knowing I am not the only one out there)
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Hi Julie. I know this thread exists We're just having such a good dialogue over on Jim's that I hadn't made it here yet. I'm going to get caught up when I get a chance. You have very thoughtful and insightful questions. Really curious to see how you're doing.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
We had not been getting along for a while. He was asking for space and I was pursuing and pushing for relationship talks. I made a inappropriate and passive agressive comment to him that definatly hit a sensitive spot about how he was not spending time with kids. It made him furious. That night he told me he needed to leave. I said fine. He was all happy and really nice about things and then 20 min later I begged him not to leave and showed him all these articles about why physical separation was the worst thing to do.
A few weeks later he left. He had initially told me the goal was reconciliation. I did pursue in beginning and did things that made it worse.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
ok, so knowing you did not actually ask him to leave that makes this boundary fairly easy.
You need to state the next time that he says this something along the lines of " i need to make something clear, i never asked or forced you to leave. I understand you may have felt you had no choice, and i know that must have been difficult, but I did not make you leave or ask you to. Please do not represent that to me or others.
I know a boundary has a consequence, but I am not sure what consequence you connect to that.
I could be off, but i have seen it come a few times on your thread so I know it bothers you
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
In a lot of ways you are both powerless. Neither of you are in control of everything here. Neither can control each other. Neither can wave a wand and make the relationship work the way either of you want. Neither can separate and avoid some of the hard consequences of D.
I think H feels powerless because he can't change you and get you to be the partner he feels he needs (right or wrong), he is at the mercy of the courts as to his future life, ultimately he is faced with either being in a marriage where he feels unfulfilled and undermined, or he is single again only without the freedom and youth he once had and instead with chains around him forcing him to work hard for the rest of his life for a family he feels evicted from.
Why does he feel he was kicked out? I don't think he means physically Julie. I think he means he was edged out of the family and felt unwanted and rejected. I'm just speculating now, but I'd imagine that it was you and the children, and he felt left out and neglected, and finally just felt he didn't have a place with you anymore, that he was supposed to be the head of the house, and instead he was dead weight good for nothing more than to power the finances. Another reason he is sensitive about the child support, he interprets this as proof this is all he is good for is a paycheck.
I think professional help is required here. I know that my XW was truly out of touch with the reality of how things would work out post D. I am GLAD we used lawyers and mediators, because if it was between me and her I would've been the bad guy, but since she had experienced representation counseling her people other than me finally started talking some sense into her. At the same time, she had valid points and there were areas that I needed to flex. Bottom line, when both people have representation, or there is a counselor making sure both parties have a voice, people feel heard, and they feel more safe as they learn their options.
What professionals do you have helping the two of you through this? Can you get help?
Remember J, no matter what happens, your kids will eat. My promise. If the day comes I need to ship you some ramen noodles let me know. We're a family on DB for sure.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
We're just having such a good dialogue over on Jim's that I hadn't made it here yet. I'm going to get caught up when I get a chance. You have very thoughtful and insightful questions. Really curious to see how you're doing.