1st time - Do I detach or keep showing her my best

[sandi2]

When you check her phone and emails, do you do it in front of her? Does she understand the importance of being transparent when the A ends? And btw, this is not something that will have to be done from here on out, but neither should there be any secrets. She needs to do it, at least, until she's completely through withdrawals, and I'd add some extra time onto it.

You may be confused about where you are b/c of the advice you read on other threads, IDK. Most of the advice is for the LBS who has not reached the point of piecing their MR back together. Keep that in mind. You are in a fragile place in the road. She has not stabilized just yet, however, she's apparently doing well.

I don't want to give anyone a heart attack, so again, anyone reading this needs to understand that your W has ended the A and so far, is working with you to piece the M back together.

Not sure what you mean by doing "the" 180, if you are referring to the technique or if you only have one 180 that you are doing. I would say to continue to 180 any bad habits or behaviors as you continue to improve yourself. Also, you can't jump back into the R all at one time (the way you were before everything happened), b/c it would be too much for her to handle.

You can also work your 180's into goals to set for yourself, as you strive to become a better man. Little by little, you can set goals to be a better H, as well. Right now, you need to be cautious not to pressure her.

I may have already mentioned some of this, so bear with me. Until she gets through the withdrawals, do not initiate sex. Don't initiate talking about sex. Don't hint about it. If she does, then fine, but let her lead so that she doesn't feel pressured. Most WW's need that time to emotionally adjust back into being intimate with the H. Most WW's think their feelings for the LBH'S will not return. So, don't rush her in this area, or she may get skiddish and run.

I would say that you can show a little more friendliness, engage in a little more conversation. Be careful you don't start firing a lot of questions about what she did throughout the day. You don't want her to feel she's under interrogation. Talk about other things and don't try to play counselor with her. Unless she initiates it, I suggest you keep things light. It is a delicate balance, for sure!

Give her breathing space. However, it may not be a good idea to leave her alone for an entire weekend, at this time, due to the withdrawals. Being a,one too much could prove too much eight now. She needs to stay occupied and involved, even with you, to a degree, while she is going through withdrawals. Again, please be careful and don't over do, or she'll feel that you are acting like a watch dog. Your biggest challenge, I would guess, is you wanting to rush things along and push her. You want to fix her problems. Don't do it, or she will feel overwhelmed.

Let me say this about playing Mr. Fixer. No woman wants her H to fix her. Make that double for a WW. And whenever a woman is complaining about her day, her girlfriends, her boss/job, etc..........she just wants to be heard. It is not a clue that she wants you to fix things. The only time you should try to fix it, is if her complaints are about you.

As for saying what you want, are you talking what you want to see happen in the relationship? To me, that would be pushing, and way too early. She is not stable enough to deal with what you want, at the moment. It is taking everything she has to get through the withdrawals and getting her act together. It is so much more than just ending the A.

I would love for her to write me some kind of letter... put some thoughts on paper... apology, feelings, doubts, concerns, hopes, dreams... anything.. I just want her to think about those things.

I don't think she's emotionally ready to do anything like that.

I would love for her to reengage in our family life, instead of being so detached

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I am sure you would, but you are expecting way too much from a woman who just ended her A four weeks ago. She is dealing with internal struggles. She is depressed. Give her time.

My counselor seems to think just giving her time and space will help her. But he also says it's a delicate balance where she still needs to know I love her. Seems simple enough. ugh.

I agree, except instead of saying she needs to know you love her, I would say she needs support. B/c if you try to show her how much you love her, then you'll probably be saying it or trying to be too affectionate. That would be putting emotional pressure on her.

So if she is saying postive things... Saying she wants our marriage... but nothing real specific... can I ask something of her? I would love to do some bonding activities but she might not be ready. Can I express that to her... Hey, I love what you are doing and that is enough for now, but when you are ready I would like to try some things to get us closer? IDK what to do

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No, don't go there. It way too much right now. Don't overkill on the ILY. I cannot express enough that she needs more time. Be patient. Don't make it about what you want right now. She can't handle it.

Number 1 thing I know I need to do is relax and focus on me... I get that. I am trying. But is that enough for now? I hate that I feel like I'm playing a game. I love my wife. I would do anything for her. Why does it have to be so complicated? Ugh.

I assure you it is no game for her. She has undergone a very emotional turmoil, as well as you. The difference is she thought she had fell out of love with you and in love with OM, then she is trying to will herself not to feel in love with OM and feel in love with the man she fell out of love with in the first place. And you wonder why it has to be so complicated?