Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

I understand that although it's all about control. Just a different tactic for the purpose. So it's the same but different.
You are right. It is always about control with these types, isn't it. My H still hasn't submitted any documents--including the verified letter of complaint. For someone who claims he wants a divorce he sure is not in any rush to get there. But then again, right now he has everything he wants. Once the D is final he is going to have to give up a good portion of it all.

Can you explain that Msd? Tool to beat you with?How?
My kids have been really upset by the current state of things. The only way to change them before the d is final is to come up with an agreement together. I tried discussing it with him and now that is his weapon to hold over me. He knows the kids are the only hold he still has over me. He knows that is where I am most vulnerable. And by trying to open up a discussion I gave him the reins (in his mind at least).

What you think of you is more important Msd.

Yes--I am becoming more confident in my choices and behavior. I used to get easily swayed by others' opinions of me--especially his, but as time goes by other people are effecting me less.

Control again. Once he stops concentrating on you it's going to move elsewhere. The kids are the only way to control you that he has left. If you let his actions go, ironically I think he will stop. As long as he has his hostages he will demand his ransom. His mask has dropped. I wish I could help further Msd but my perception and help is limited as I have no children. Schermans sitch is the nearest I can come to. Greengrass has a son although he is much older. I haven't identified an equivalent for you here. I will assist as much as I can.

I haven't read up on Scherman's sitch. I'll have to look for it.

I agree. It's easier though to go grey rock. Children are inferior as narc supply. Sad as it may be, his OW may also be of the same ilk. She will get bored and become the target eventually they will burn each other out.
I hope that the kids aren't his next target. I feel like my son has gone through periods where he was--but not to an extreme level. S was all upset over the weekend because he didn't realize H had texted him until 8 hours later and he was nervous about H getting mad at him. It makes me sick to my stomach to see my kids go through that same anxiety I always did when I feared I upset or insulted him in some way. H is not violent or scary in that sense, but he really makes you feel like [censored] just by shutting you out and stonewalling. You know that you are on his [censored] list, but he never will actually tell you why and if you ask he will deny and make you feel like you are overly sensitive and annoying. D doesn't seem to get that treatment as much as S and I.

Same tactic as Anc WH or mine. Msd you can't change this man. STOP. And record record record. Every time you have a convo get it on record. If you can stimulate a rant by WH do so.

It is like your WH has a gun with blanks in it, he is testing to see if you fire back. Then he will bring in the forces. It's not real. STFU and record!
Yes. This is what he is doing. I have the STFU. He knows that one topic that always gets me into defensive mode. He has been recording and video taping apparently. I am not that savvy, but I am kind of relieved he recorded it. Because the first conversation where I thought we could come to an agreement in the kids' best interest and it seemed to be positive. I felt good when I hung up the phone. But within a few hours I realized that he started the spin doctoring. And by the afternoon he had the trap set--and I walked into it, although I think I got myself out in time. He recorded it all. And from my memory I believe it will help me more than him.


Let go of the resentmenu Msd. It will make things much easier. You will concentrate more to achieve that which you need to achieve.
I'm trying. When my kids are happy it is easy. When I see them hurting and I know I can't do anything about it I get frustrated and the resentment comes back.


Msd, my recommendation is to feel that anger, let it out then it will not get to rage. Anger is enormouslying motivating and is not screwing him over. I think you have absorbed his words about what it is you are trying to achieve.
I do absorb his words. I always think at first that he didn't get to me, but then its like in the days that follow I am marinating in his attack and it starts to seep in. I have to learn to let go of worrying about what he thinks and wants me to think..

His sand pit.

You do not have to forgive him. He hasn't asked for forgiveness Msd. This isn't your burden to carry ok?

You could chose to say to yourself until and unless you ask me to forgive you then you are unforgiven. That is between you WH and your higher spirit. Not my job to ask on your behalf, I free myself of that burden. Go WH be as nasty as you want (remember the mirror turns that inwards) ultimately that's between you and your higher power. Not my monkeys, not my circus. You are screwing you. This goes to fresh air not to me.
Yes. I believe this most of the time. But when the doubt sets in it consumes me. Things are taking too long to get better, and the fear that it might never get better is overwhelming. Then things settle and I start to feel like things are ok--but that is usually when the kids start opening up about their fears and pain and it opens the wounds all over again. Mostly because my hands are tied.

Frankly you are wasting your breath. STOP.

Be a safe haven be the safe secure parent, no matter who sees that, it's for you and your children.

Fight by doing that which is needed legally, put your efforts there. Please don't fight him, the cleverer tactic would seem to be to out manoever rather than go head on.

You are a hobbit rather than a dwarf.

You are clever and loving and full of the higher spirit. Let yourself be the bigger better spirit.
Ok--It is all about the kids now. That part is obvious. I am done trying to be fair--because all I am doing is showing all of my cards of what I am willing to sacrifice, leaving me with only the things that truly matter as bargaining chips. It isn't good. But I am a hobbit. I like that.

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It's lovely to hear from you.

I am praying for you Msd and the peace in your life.

I struggle sometimes too.

Big hugs

V [/quote]

Thank you V. I am praying for you too. This will end eventually for both of us. And then we will be truly free.