Here we are

[Underdog]

Claire,

I have to tell you I'm glad I wasn't drinking coffee at your conscious uncoupling remark. I know you're not trying to be funny, but I just get you and think you are. Is that a bad thing?

I think most (if not all) of us have enjoyed the victim mentality at times during this process. I know I did. I typically played that card when I was really stressed and not managing what was on my plate; I guess it was just easier to blame him for my discomfort. Shoveling snow and yard work was my trap for years. There. I said it: years. I despise both, they were his jobs and I hated that he left me with the house and to do list from hell, so it was easy to point the finger. And the next day, I'd wake up and think, "Betsey, what is wrong with you? You have choices too."

So... you realize that you're one of probably thousands here and more in the real world whose divorce is riddled with communication problems? Apparently, your H's family of origin had a problem, and nobody taught him how to do it. Chances are, we had poor communication models as well. (My FOO were yellers... lovely. That took me years to work through.)

There is a book by Samantha Rodman that friends of mine used as their guide to telling kids about the facts of the split. Don't know if it's still out there, but it might help. Like you, I was separated for 2 years before Mr. Wonderful back handedly pulled the trigger (he filed the paper work with the county listing me as the petitioner), and my kids were older than yours when things legally occurred. All I can say is that my oldest was actually relieved when we told her we had come to the big decision. Sitting on the fence was super uncomfortable for her, and quite honestly, she didn't give us a chance anyway. It was obvious to her that her dad had moved out and moved on.

Aside from the fact that no kid would prefer to have a family that lives apart, your D seems awfully settled with you. Is she okay with the arrangement to go to her dad's? If so, I think the conversation will merely be a period at the end of a sentence. She's already living the life of a family with two homes, and you can reassure her that she is loved by both of you and that won't change. Let your actions take center stage. She may be young, but she's old enough to see what she needs to see to draw her own conclusions. Your plan sounds really great to me. You have a good handle on things, and I know you'll handle it with grace and aplomb.

LOL, when I got married, I really didn't want to change my name. In the end, Mr. W. told me that he wanted me to take his name but that it was my choice. I think I was spoiling for a big showdown then? I took his name. When we got our D, the judge asked me if I wanted to reconsider my decision to revert to my maiden name. He nearly fell out of his chair when I said, "Nope. I'm good. I want to have the same name as my kids." I think I shocked both of us. Periodically, I think of spending the time, money and energy to going back to my maiden name (which is easier to spell and pronounce), but in the end, I've had his name for almost as long as I had my maiden name. So there you have it. I am who I am.

I'll just ask you the same thing that I asked myself back in 1989: what's your motivation? Is it a knee jerk reaction because you don't want to be reminded of your failure with him? Or is it because you feel you need a fresh start? Either one is okay, but your truth is somewhere there, and whatever decision you make is fine. BTW, when I thought I was going to change it back, my oldest was okay with it. She said, "It must be weird to change it to begin with". Kinda? But yes, it's a reflection of who you are and who you want to be and this isn't a one size fits all solution.

I'm used to people hacking my married name. It makes me laugh. But it's Norwegian and I'm comfortable with it. But I'll tell you that my family was shocked I didn't go back to my easy anglo surname...

I'm not making it to the superbowl parade, so I'm off to watch it on my TV at work. TTFN!

Betsey