It has been such a confusing weekend. I know I am at times trying to understand the non-understandable. Her body language and actions just don't seem to match the things she was saying at the turn of the year. Maybe Chuck was very correct and the challenges I have created in her thought process are taking a toll on her. That she is questioning herself at times or reality of her decisions are starting to hit her harder.
Who really knows, I just feel like I'm on a good path for me and my kids that I will continue to walk. I feel at times that my W didn't believe I would handle being in my own, having the kids by myself and I will admit that last year I probably did have some of those thoughts. In the last 6 weeks, I have read so many things, several books and found the belief and confidence in myself to move forward and enjoy my days. (I am still taking it a day at a time) Make plans, push yourself, do something you didn't think you would ever do. I am going to run a half marathon in April, you ask my W and she would have said that I would never do something like that. One thing I know I was guilty of is always trying to put her first, trying to be what she wanted, now is my time to be who I want. If she wants to come along on the ride, it could be great but it can still be great without her. Do I still hurt? Yes. Do I still struggle at times? Yes, but I am also choosing to believe in me.
Something I learnt (and had forgotten) from my military days, especially the basic training. I was always able to let the shouting, the critisim flow past, taking in the small amount I needed to but ignoring the parts where they wanted you to engage. Then once it's done and over, go back to my own things and move forward. I view my situation now as something similar, it's not always easy but it can be done.
We can't change our past but we can create a better future and believe in ourselves.
