Extremely confused

[keefa]

Hi guys,
Made it through the night. I stayed up all night going through each room, binning stuff she has left behind, cleaning, dusting and saving all the little pictures and drawings my boys leave (left) everywhere. it is helping but I am glad I am doing it, not out of spite but out the need to cleanse. my kitchen, bedroom and living room are now how I like them and have just me and my boys mark on them. Silly I know.
Thornton, man I am so sorry you are going through this too.
There is no doubt for me that M is completely over. The reason I am so sure of this is I am convinced she never actually loved me. Not truly. I was a stop gap. She had always called me her rock. She was never mine. I went to my brothers funeral alone, work do's alone. friends parties and so on. It occurred to me that the thing I have been fighting for the most over the last few years, probably since our boys were born, is her love and support. I've always been her rock. I've never had a rock. This has been a kind of revelation. It is sad because of the implications of why we went through IVF, she has lied to me but even sadder, lied to herself. I feel a small measure of pride inside knowing I am genuine and sincere and know who I am, warts n all.
Brutus, she only has sole custody because she has them in her new house and is denying me seeing them while it goes through the courts. To me, this is the ultimate betrayal and the mark of the person. True colours ('colors' for you guys across the pond...I cracked a joke!) The funny thing is, the way she acts, it's like I had the affair not her. She couldn't be any more hostile if she came home and caught me in bed with her best friend. My boys are undoubtedly desperate to see me as much me them. I am thinking a little more clearly today but have real anxiety issues with bank defaults, where am I going to live etc.
I took my pooch out for a long walk at sunrise. Talk about mans best friend. She is full of unconditional love.
I'm living on a 50p pack of biscuits per day at the moment but have some cash coming so will buy fresh veggies and fruit for the weekend.
Onwards....