I think my DBing story has likely been at end for sometime.
I lurk and linger more for the people and connections I have made and the experience of humanity and hope, than for anything else.
I find reading newcommers posts hard most of the time. I over-identify with the pain and can't find the words to over any relief. And besides there are such good people here who do it so well. We know who they are because they have healed little pieces of our hearts and souls along the way.
There was no way when I arrived here that I was ever going to save my relationship. It was long gone whatever I had with Mr Ex. I really just didn't want to feel sad anymore. And I don't. I am a happier more contented person.
I am a terrible DBer. I don't understand the nuances. But I do understand commitment and love and digging deep. I thought that by some chance I was going to experience a complete transfomation that would be life altering, that would bring me the love I have always so desparately wanted, to not feel so alone. That was never going to be. I don't know why I thought it would. But my life has changed in subtle ways.
I am better friend, better listener, I have less need to be right, I am more open to being vulnerable, and while I have been so scared of losing people and connection in my life, of being left behind or not being noticed, I guess there is freedom from it when it actually happens and not actually dying because of it (I jest but really that's how it felt).
I have always wanted to be one of those people who naturally shone and succeeded in everything they did, who even in adversity just knew how to make it work for them. Yeah, Nah, not me. Yeah I'm Charlie hoping I will find my Golden Ticket. Maybe I will and the Chocolate Factory in the deal.
I guess if being here has taught me anything, is that you really don't know what can happen in 100 posts and that's ok, because no matter you will be perfectly and completely ok.
So maybe this is one final chapter, one more set of 100 posts. Who knows what will write itself, what adventure may be called forth, potential romantic senarios, more sad scenes, possibly some outrageous fun.
