Julie, your sitch is very similar to mine, and your H to my xh.
The finances were always an issue btw us. His mother instilled in him a fear that I was the money grabber. Our D negotiations went through without having to go to court but it was to my disadvantage because by then I was a really broken person and I didn't want to fight any more. So that was why I asked you the question that I did.
Our communication style is very combative as well. It still is and he asks me why we are still fighting months after the D. ( Duh, he spews and I cry but that to him is combative)
However, when I compare your H to my xh, I see signs that your H is not as angry as my xh. He is angry but he doesnt spew. Amidst his anger and his need for self- protection, there seems to be this wish to work things out. And Julie, you came to this board much earlier than I did and you seem like you're figuring things out.
It is not easy to separate the terms and conditions of a D from your efforts to reconcile. For the sake of reconciliation, you will have to.
I can tell you that it was my inability to do so that was a big hindrance in my reconciliation, among other things. He wasn't a saint though and he took advantage of me. But it was my inability to compartmentalise and to let go of the anger that disadvantaged me. Because I was so angry and hurt, I had a few missteps and couldn't see the whole situation clearly.
Julie, at a certain point in time, you need to let go of the fear and anger, or at least compartmemtalise them, so that you can do the best for yourself and kids.
The hurt will always be there. But you have a fighting chance now, and to up your odds, you need to put it away, at least temporarily. Letting go of the hurt doesnt mean that your H is right and is no longer a douche. It's just a break for yourself to stop feeling on edge so much.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
