When the goal is positivity

[JulieH]

Julie,

This sounds like a very challenging exchange, but I don't think is necessarily all bad. In fact I kinda think the opposite.

Reconciliation is still on the table, for both of you by the sounds of it.

It is also interesting to me to see that your communication styles are so similar and you are both bringing alot of anger to the table.

I think to you both share a similar naivety about the counselling and reconciliation process being about negotiation of terms and conditions. I think you find that is more likely a mediation process.

If you are both looking towards reconciliation, communication and learning to actually hear each other and connection is the starting place. And then figure out if moving forward is something you want. But that is just my knowledge and experience.

Look I think this is all up for grabs and the fact it's still on table is brilliant. One of you just now needs to man up for the sake of your marriage and kids and get the counselling happening.

If you can get some momentum happening out of this conversation that would be great.

I will be interested in Zues' comments. He has a much better handle on your sitch than I do. But those are my reflections Julie for what they are worth.

My good thoughts and love are with you Julie.

Jellyxxx

I am rereading all of the posts right now and Thank you. When I read "it is interesting to see your communication styles are so similar" I stopped and laughed. You are right!! I am just as dysfunctional with communicating as he is.

When I listened to him and hearing the things he is angry about with me, I kept thinking to myself the anger you feel for me is just way too out of proportion. You keep hanging on to this anger and it is not helping. I am not a horrible villain, just someone who made decisions impulsively and said things to you because I was hurt. You need to let this go. all you are doing is rehashing and coming up with things to be angry at. Etc

I realized it is very similar to me with my anger torwards him.

we keep repeating the same horrible ways of dealing with things over and over. This is no different then when we were together. Just a different topic.
I am getting better at keeping my mouth shut. What I needed to do was let him get off phone or remove myself from phone conversation "this is getting too emotional lets talk when we cool down so no ones feeling get hurt". I never remember to do that in the heat of things.

I never remember to validate in the heat of things either.